


Growing Pains

by Exiledfromazerath1316



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety Attacks, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions about Private Opinion and Fly Boy, Minor Violence, Oral Sex, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Ash's Past, Sex, mentions of child sex trafficking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-10-14 18:11:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17513438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exiledfromazerath1316/pseuds/Exiledfromazerath1316
Summary: "If I've got no one to fight than how do I know who I am?!"Moving to Japan with Eiji is a start, but there is no cure all for something like this.Growing pains will never be easy.





	1. Florescent

**Author's Note:**

> Was a series of drabbles, but now is a story? Oops
> 
> Ratings may change, and warnings may be added.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not quite the same in Japan, now is it?

“Eiji, it’s not a good idea-” 

“Please Ash, it’s the only American Specialty store in the area and I still have no idea what I’m searching for. Izumo doesn’t have much of what you’ve been missing since you’ve come here.” 

“I just don’t understand why you can’t just call or facetime me while you’re there. You know how I feel about crowds.” 

“I do, but Ash; you’ve been in Japan for six months. You’ve mastered every corner of Izumo. You can’t stay within the city walls forever.” 

“I bet you a million dollars that I could.”

“That’s hardly fair since you’re the only one with that kind of money.”

“Eiji...Please.” Eiji laced his fingers between Ash’s, pressing their palms together. Ash will never stop being thankful for Eiji’s warmth, no matter how many times he feels it. Ash could already begin to feel his heartbeat quicken. 

“Ash...It’s a half hour train ride, a quick trip into the store, and then the same ride back; it shouldn’t even have that many people this time of day. You can do this. I know you can.” 

By the time Asha nd Eiji were comfortable on the train, Ash’s hands were starting to quake. Eiji gripped his hands tightly, trying to steady them. Ash knew that transitioning into a sedentary life following his time in New York, but he wasn’t expecting the consequences trying to train his brain. Living a life of “Fight, Flight or Freeze” his entire life as Max had put it shaped his brain to put survival first, always. 

Even once he arrived to Japan, he was always on alert, quick to react, and thinking miles ahead of Eiji or anyone else. He was only just starting to get regular sleep.It was hard at first for him to go outside and try to make normal community ties. The language barrier was challenging enough; but to have everyone stare at his foreign hair and eyes made Ash far more claustrophobic than he was comfortable with. 

Once his neighborhood got used to Ash’s unusual appearance, he began to breathe much easier. Going to the local market, or the laundromat or the library for language tutoring became part of his regular routine. 

But crowds still made his skin crawl and if he can’t see the nearest exit in a room he starts to feel like he’s drowning, no matter how hard Eiji squeezes his hand or his arm. 

Eiji had lived in the area long enough to time when the train would stop and for how long. He could make sure Ash was off the train and against a brick wall as the rest of the passengers meandered their way out of the car. He knew to lead Ash by hand up the stairs to the streets, letting Ash’s jade eyes dart over the dozens of faces they pass. He would never recognize a single face,but that somehow made Ash less anxious. ; to remember that he truly was an unknown stranger in this country and that no one would ever have to know a damn thing. 

The building was about twice the size of a convenience store, and Ash was overwhelmed with nostalgia at the various packaging surrounding them. Candies, chips, frozen meals, many of which he lived off of back home. 

Dark alleyways, dripping ceilings, guns exploding throughout the night…soaking his favorite shirt in the kitchen sink to try and get out the fresh blood stains...

Ash shook his head, scolding himself. 

Home. Japan is home now. Eiji is home now. 

Eiji was animated with questions. Why would Lays make pickle flavored potato chips? What brand of hotdog did Ash prefer? Was a 3 Musketeers candy bar really as good as it was hyped in New York? Ash couldn’t help but let his lips raise in a small smile. Eiji had been working tirelessly to make Ash feel safe and welcome. It was so hard for Ash to not constantly remind Eiji that he didn’t deserve his kindness and probably never would. Not like the Japanese boy listened to him either way. 

By the time they had reached the register, Ash was almost proud of himself; they just had the ride home after they paid. He had done it; he had left the city walls of Izumo, even for a little while. Maybe he wasn’t doomed after all. Maybe he could get better. 

That was until the larger man in front of them turned to look over his shoulder. Until the man narrowed his eyes at Ash’s direction, raising an eyebrow. Until He reached behind him and Ash noticed the lump just underneath his shirt. 

Until Ash blinked and the man was on the floor, Ash’s knee between the man’s shoulders and his wrist twisting the man’s arm behind his back.The man was crying out in Japanese that Ash didn’t understand. Ash’s other hand raised in the air, holding the offending object; a fanny pack.

What had he thought it was? A gun? He smelt gunpowder, didn’t he? A Knife maybe? Explosive? 

Why did he have to think like that? 

As the red faded from his eyes, he finally saw all of the alarmed shoppers around them. Shocked eyes and dropped jaws encircled him. Eiji had dropped the blue basket, the bottles of diet pepsi broken and splashed on the cuffs of his slacks. Emotions that Ash couldn’t identify storming behind Eiji’s deep wide eyes; shame suddenly washed over him. 

He jumped from the man’s back, releasing his body like it was on fire and fumbling onto the floor, stuttering the little japanese apologizes he could remember.

Eiji helped him to his feet before helping the attacked man. He was speaking miles an hour, much faster than he ever did in English; the only words Ash was able to pick out was “American” and “firearm”. He was moving his hands, motioning towards Ash before bowing so deep he should have snapped in half. It felt like their discussion went on for years. 

It appeared that Eiji had offered to pay for the man’s groceries, as the cashier had rang them up together. As soon as the money was handed over, Eiji gently took Ash’s hand and lead him out of the store. He lead him outside, turning around the nearest shop corner before placing the shopping bags on the ground and lacing his fingers with Ash.

“This is it. This is the last straw. He’s leaving me.” He clenched his eyes shut, thrusting his chin down into his chest. 

“Are you okay?” Eiji asked.Ash opened his eyes to see Eiji’s own eyes wide and darting with concern. “Do you need anything? I’m so sorry Ash, I had really thought I had this figured out.” 

Confused, Ash shook his head, gold eyebrows crunching around green eyes. 

“You’re sorry? For what? You weren’t the only one who-” Eiji lifted a finger to Ash’s lips, silencing him. 

“I knew it was too soon, but I was being selfish.” Ash reached up, gently grabbing Eiji’s hand before replying. 

“No, I was wrong. I need to be able to do this, Eiji. You’re right. I can’t live in a bubble forever, in Japan or in New York.” 

“What did Shorter call it? Growing pains, right?” Eiji laughed. 

“Yeah, that’s right. Growing can be painful sometimes. I need to deal with that.” 

“We can grow together...Right, Ash?” Ash couldn’t help but smile. 

“Of course.” He slung an arm over Eiji’s shoulders, patting him on the shoulder before leaning down and grabbing the majority of the shopping bags. 

The two of them headed back towards the train station without another word, Ash’s body still trembling from the adrenaline draining from his body. Eiji pretended not to notice. 

Once the two of them were on the train, Ash lost track of his thoughts. 

“Hey, Eiji...back at the store...what did you tell those guys that kept them from calling the cops on me?” 

His brown eyes cast themselves downwards to his fidgeting hands. He didn’t answer for a beat too long. 

“Eiji?”

“I told them you were a survivor of war. It was as close as I could get to them understanding.” 

Ash felt himself nod slowly. Of course. He probably wouldn’t have been able to describe it any better on his own. 

He peered up through the train window and watched the horizon fly by.

How Eiji could read him so well was beyond Ash’s understanding.


	2. Flashbacks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash tries to get a job

“The coffee doesn’t taste the same here, you know.” 

“You say that every time you have it. I think they import it from a different part of the world than the US does.” 

“It shows.” 

“Just put some sugar in it and stop whining, little bro” Eiji’s mischievous smile took Ash’s breath away more often than it probably should have. He reached over the diner table to the sugar dispenser, pouring a small amount into the black coffee. Eiji peered at Ash’s eggs and toast, half eaten, before looking down at his own Natto and Rice. 

“Are you not going to finish it?” Eiji asked, Ash propped his elbow on the table and placed his chin in his hand, returning Eiji’s devilish smile. 

“Watching my figure. You know it’s not easy looking like this.” Eiji scoffed. “You’re something else, I’ll tell you.” He sighed, reaching for his chopsticks. Ash let out a laugh. 

“You still choose to put up with me, Big Bro.” He snarked. Eiji leaned over the table, stealing a corner of Ash’s toast and popping it into his mouth. The two of them let out a loud laugh, shaking the table with their knees pressing into the underside of the table. 

Eiji noticed Ash’s laugh stop mid chuckle, staring past Eiji’s shoulders. Eiji turned around to see a tall woman had approached the table. She was dressed sharply with fake flowers weaved into her long braided dark hair. 

She greeted them, bowing slightly before asking if they spoke English or Japanese. Eiji answered for them, replying “English” for Ash’s sake. 

“My name is Matsuoka Sayuri and I represent employees of Non-No and GRIND magazines. Do you currently have a modeling agent?” 

Ash started to laugh at the idea of Eiji modeling before realizing she wasn’t talking to Eiji. 

“Who, me?” He asked slowly, motioning to himself. She nodded. 

“You have quite a look; very different than around here. We would love to have more diversity in our models. Would you be interested in coming to a screen test and a test shoot?” She placed her business card on the restaurant table. Ash looked down at the card before looking up at Eiji. 

Eiji gave the woman a smile before bowing his head and taking the card. “He will consider it. Thank you very much!” He is way too polite. It drive Ash insane. Matsuoka smiled as she excused herself and went back to her table. 

Ash plucked the card from Eiji’s hand and examined it; Most of it was in Kanji, but it looked professional enough. His fingers traced the indentations of the text into the card and the decorative artwork wrapped around the words. 

His eyes grew soft, face vulnerable. Eiji could almost hear his thoughts. “Don’t they know? Can’t they see?” Eiji reached out his hand to touch Ash’s empty palm. 

“You are beautiful, you know that Ash. People notice.” He stated softly. Ash looked down at their joined hands. 

“Beautiful enough for kiddie porn, obviously.” He murmured. Before Eiji could retort, Ash spoke again: “You’re the only one I trust around me with a camera, Eiji.” 

“I know that. I thought it would be easier to just accept the card than to try to and turn her down. She seems like a determined type.” 

“I agree.” Ash stirred his spoon in his coffee after placing the business card face down on the table. 

He ended up putting the card in his wallet before they left the restaurant for reasons he couldn’t explain. Maybe just having the option available to him to consider later. What did he plan to do for the rest of his life? 

He watched Eiji study in University and apprentice with Ibe-San every day; one of the conditions Eiji’s parents have implanted when Eiji came home. Ash couldn’t blame them; his son came home with a bullet wound that permanently damaged his left kidney. They almost didn’t allow Ash in the house when he first arrived. Words were thrown so fast it spun Ash’s head. Eiji tried to tell Ash that they had said something different, but Ash knew enough Japanese to recognize at least the word “cat”.

“Stray cat” was one of the nicer observations that was thrown. 

He watched Eiji work so hard every day while Ash found himself doing menial tasks. Cleaning, laundry occasionally, Language tutoring and reading...a lot of reading. The money he had embezzled from Dino before he died was enough for Ash and Eiji to choose whether or not to work. They would have a place of their own already, but Eiji wanted his parents to trust Ash before they took off again. Ash’s relationship with the Okamura's had gone from strained to tolerated at least after over six months. His regular night terrors and screaming certainly weren’t appreciated either. 

Before long, he was sitting on the floor of the Okamura home, staring at the business card between his fingers. He had never applied for a job before. He had never had a set schedule or a formal work setup. The streets were his office while illegal goods were his trade. He was often paid in firearms or supplies. He had once had a full team at his disposal. 

He figured he should consider something. He needed to do something to get out of the house and show Eiji’s parents that he wasn’t a total deadbeat. It would also be much easier to explain where the money he gives them for expenses comes from if it came from somewhere legitimate. 

Something to distract from his days and tire him out for his nights. He flipped the card around in his hand. Modeling seemed easy enough. You just stand there and they take pictures, right? It’s a fashion magazine, so he would be fully clothed. That wouldn’t be so bad, would it? 

It wasn’t like he had a employable skill otherwise. Arms dealing and drug smuggling aren’t something you put on a resume. His body was the only sellable commodity he had; he was more than aware of that. He never thought he would have to worry about this kind of thing when he turned 18, but then again, he hadn’t expected to live this long. That last stab wound was supposed to kill him, after all. 

Could he even model with all of these scars? 

What exactly does a functional member of society do? Do they go to school? Fall in love? Get married? 

What was he supposed to do? 

“Still thinking about it, are you?” Eiji was leaning over the back of the couch, arms crossed. Ash peered up to him before looking back down at the card. 

“Sort of.” he replied, flipping the card over in his hand again. Eiji slowly rounded the couch before sitting on the maroon cushions. Ash leaned his head against Eiji’s knee. 

“I thought you weren’t comfortable with cameras.” he asked. 

“I’m not. But maybe...maybe it would be a good idea to try and get used to it...Getting out of the house might be good for me too.” Eiji nodded, running his hand through Ash’s golden hair. He had always thought that modeling would be a great career for Ash. Then again, that was before he really thought about the implications of Dino’s influence on Ash. 

“I’d like to grow out of this, Eiji. Can’t I do that?” 

 

*************************

When Ash stepped out of the dressing room, Eiji flushed instantly. Some light powder and concealer had disguised Ash’s permanent dark circles. A navy blue dress shirt, half unbuttoned to revel a peek of Ash’s chest and black leather pants. A large silver watch hung loosely on his wrist, while a black fedora like hat sat lightly on his moused and styled hair. A silver earring and silver chain added more shine to the look. The black, pleated vans somehow fit perfectly, the white soles pristine. 

Ash raised his arms slightly, smirking once he noticed Eiji’s red face. 

“What do you think, Eiji? Do I look stupid or what?” Eiji shook his head furiously. 

“No! Ash you look fantastic! So cool!” Ash let out a low chuckle. Maybe this wasn’t the worst idea he had gone through with. 

The first photographer was a young woman with a thick australian accent. Her long brown hair tied up in a bright red scrunchie. She spoke to Ash in English, which he was thankful for and expressed consistent respect and praised; he was also thankful for this but did not want to articulate it. 

His heart remained calm and his pulse remained steady. This wasn’t so hard; they were just pictures. He could do this. He could show Eiji that he could be a responsible and normal person too... 

She seemed to know how to handle new models fairly well. Each outfit and set was a breeze to work through, and soon Ash learned he had one more advertisement to go for the day. He was advised he would be posing with woman for a perfume ad. 

When they traveled downstairs to the perfume ad set, Ash felt his breath hitch. A large bed, clad in red, white and pink bedding. It was one of those canopy beds, with way more decorative pillows than Ash felt was necessary. 

The female model, Asian but didn’t appear Japanese was on the bed, pulling fishnet stockings up her tiny thighs. Her long black hair curled into wild waves. She was a showstopper, Ash could see that, clearly she was the focus of the ad. 

One of the staff handed Ash some clothing before pushing him to the nearest dressing room. A red silk shirt and black boxer briefs? There had to be more than this…

But as he noticed the female model’s lingerie clad body climbing across the bed for her solo set of the shoot, Ash realized that there was no more. 

“Sex sells, am I right?” said one of the stage managers, clipboard in hand. “You might wanna go change before they’re done. Liu Wen doesn’t like to wait long, especially for new meat. Ash felt his heart quicken. His eyes panned quickly to Eiji, standing at the craft food table and speaking to the Australian photographer, clearly distracted for the moment with her variety of cameras. 

He took a deep breathe; he could do this. It wasn’t a big deal. They are all professionals, after all. No one is going to pull anything shady. This isn’t Dino’s clientele. This isn’t New York. 

The cool silk shirt tickled his skin. He remembered the last time he wore such a shirt, during his last high class event with Dino. Ash shuddered at the thought before shaking his head, clearing the image from his head. 

This isn’t New York. This isn’t Dino or Marvin or The Frog or Fox or the countless others. 

Luckily for Ash, Liu Wen was polite, professional and didn’t ask many questions, but she didn’t seem to speak a whole lot of English anyway. She only touched him in the ways the photographers instructed and only as much as was needed for the shot. 

“Alright, let’s just get some dominance shots and we’re good to go.” One of the directors belted out, voice thick with his japanese accent. Ash raised an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?” The director peered up from his clipboard. 

“The perfume is called “Dominance”. I’m going to need you to lay on your back. Liu Wen, straddle him.” 

Ash’s eyes widened as Liu Wen guided him downward. 

“Alright, hold his arms down. Great, Liu Wen. Saki, get a close up with the lights.” 

Liu Wen was not placing much pressure on Ash’s wrists, as she hadn’t with any of their other poses during the shoot. In fact, Liu Wen did absolutely nothing wrong at all. 

But her lower body pressing into his and her hands cuffing his wrists collapsed his chest. Ash felt light headed as his chest heaved. Where had the oxygen gone? He shut his eyes for a moment, trying to sort his thoughts. 

When he opened them, he saw Dino, and his sadistic, fucked up smile. He could smell the old man’s sweat and cheap cologne, hear the classical music he used to play. 

Ash opened his mouth to scream, but nothing could escape his drying throat. His body felt frozen, set in stone. Why couldn’t he move? 

 

“Hey...boy….you...you okay?” Why did Dino sound like a woman? 

“Ash? Can you hear me?” 

Eiji. 

Ash blinked several times again, his vision clearing. Dino was fading and Eiji’s worried face was replacing it. 

Liu Wen was standing at the foot of the bed, clutching a white robe around her body. Ash couldn’t read her face. The photographer, stage manager, director and Ash’s new agent all hovered around the bed as well, reading confused and worried expressions. 

He could feel Eiji’s thumb tracing circles around the palm of his hand. 

“Ash. It’s me. Just focus on my voice, okay?” 

Grounding techniques. Eiji was using the grounding techniques. He’d had a flashback. Shit. 

Ash sat up slowly, Eiji guiding him gently. He could feel his face heating up. Ash kept his eyes downcast, apologizing quietly. He started to close up the buttons on his silk shirt. He wasn’t used to being so self conscious. 

“That’s….a wrap for today… I think I got everything we need.” The photographer moved back to her camera, slowly taking the equipment down. One of the stage manager threw Ash a white robe. 

“Go home, kid. We’ll call you.” He grumbled. Eiji helped Ash into his robe before leading him back to his dressing room. 

Ash remained docile, eyes downcast until Eiji shut the dressing room door gently. Ash tangled his hands into his gelled hair, kicking over one of the chairs with a exasperated growl. He pulled his hands down, some strands of gold between his clenched fingers before shoving various items off of the vanity dresser and collapsing onto the floor with his head between his knees. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this embarrassed in my entire goddamn life.” Eiji lowered himself to the floor, wrapping one arm around his knees and one over Ash’s shoulders. 

“You did great, Ash.” He replied, lowering his hand to rub Ash’s shoulder blades. Ash scoffed. 

“You call that great? I lost my shit in front of a bunch of strangers again….in my underwear.” 

“Well, the social worker back in New York did say…” Eiji started, Ash looked up, flashing the greenest glare Eiji had seen in a while from the boy. 

“Yeah, she said a million things. Doesn’t mean she’s right about all of it. She doesn’t know me, and she doesn’t know me now that’s for sure.” 

“She knew enough to diagnose you, Ash. She recommended a therapist. Maybe we should-” Ash stood up quickly, whipping around to face Eiji. 

“No way, Eiji. No goddamn way. I’m not talking to some stranger about-” 

“You don’t talk to anyone, Ash.” 

“I talk to you.” Eiji stood up. 

“I’m not sure that’s enough for you.” he replied softly. Ash paused for a moment, confused on how to respond. 

“Eiji, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me…” 

“Yes, but I am not educated in these things, Ash. I do not understand how the brain works, and I do not know to help you process everything that you have been through.” Eiji stepped forward, placing his hands on Ash’s shoulders and gently connecting their foreheads. 

“I want you to be able to be free here, Ash. I don’t want you to have to feel chained to your past anymore. That’s not who you are; I can tell.” Ash clenched his jaw, guilt flooding into his limbs and sinking into his gut. 

“I want you to be happy here, Ash.” Ash wrapped his arms around Eiji, pulling him into a hug. 

“I am happy, Eiji.” 

“ I want you to be happy with yourself.” Ash couldn’t reply immediately. He looked across the room to the male fashion magazines he had tossed onto the floor alongside the black jeans he had worn earlier that day.

“I’ll...I’ll think about it.”


	3. Sharp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If anything, Ash knows his way around a blade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a short one, but I had a moment of inspiration  
> Thank you to everyone who has given kudos and feedback! You have no idea how much it keeps me going!

The paper bag crinkled between Ash’s arms and chest containing the small variety of photography books and J. D. Salinger short stories. Eiji tended to bring him to bookstores often, knowing Ash found peace when surrounded by books. The local businesses were starting to quiet as customers finished their shopping and start to head home. Shop owners were beginning to pack up and close for the evening. 

Eiji was chatting, two steps ahead of Ash, mesh shopping bags clutched in his hands full of groceries. He planned to make some sort of stew tomorrow night for dinner. He was explaining to Ash the logistics of creating the dish, but Ash’s thoughts were farther away, wrapped in Eiji’s bright smile. 

His smile brought lightness to Ash’s heart every single day. Eiji’s warmth, patience and sheer dedication to everything he did while drenched in kindness was originally foreign to Ash. His innocence and trust blew him away in New York, as well as his resilience. Ash immediately admired him, if not felt some jealousy towards him. 

Eiji lead ash around a corner, dark hair glistening in the twilight of the setting sun. Sunsets appear different in Japan, somehow. Ash couldn’t place how. 

The street Eiji turned onto was empty and Ash felt his lungs relax; he didn’t think he would ever get over his hatred of crowds. 

He noticed Eiji’s footsteps stopped,the older boy frozen in his shoes. Standing before him, too close for Ash’s comfort was a scrawny guy, clocked in a dark hoodie and brandishing a pocket knife. Ash watched the guy push Eiji into the nearest brick wall, causing Eiji to drop the shopping bags. 

The man growled demands at Eiji, words like “money” registered through Ash’s mind. Eiji’s eyes, large like a doe’s and full of fear, stared intently at the blade pressed lightly into his chest. 

A mugger? 

A wave of calm washed over Ash’s body. This was familiar. He knew exactly how to address this. 

Perhaps the mugger didn’t notice Ash at first, or perhaps he hadn’t expected a pretty boy foreigner to act in the event of such an emergency. Regardless, he was wrong. 

So, so very wrong. 

Ash was suddenly behind the mugger, kicking the man’s knees out from under himself, supporting the man as he fell to his feet. Within a blink he had disarmed the mugger and flipped him over onto his back on the wet pavement. Ash pulled up behind him, wrapping one arm around the man’s chest and brandishing the pocket knife against his throat. 

“I catch your face around here again, I won’t show such mercy.” The man trembled, eyes racing around confused. 

Right. English. He couldn’t understand him. Ash looked up at his friend, frozen against the brick wall and wide eyed staring at Ash and the mugger. 

“Tell him what I said, Eiji.”

Eiji didn’t respond. Ash ordered again, gentle but firm. The leader in him still lived and thrived. 

“Tell him.” 

Eiji stuttered, the tone not matching the translated words as they tumbled out of his mouth. This didn’t seem to matter, as the mugger took off running as soon as Ash released his grip. Ash peered at the pocket knife, admiring the shining red handle. He closed the blade into the handle before shoving it into his own pocket. 

Eiji collapsed onto the ground, his back sliding down the brick wall and his feet pushing out from under him. His chest was heaving, sweat and tears brewing on his flushed face.

He cast his eyes downward, breathing rapidly. Ash approached Eiji slowly, confused for a moment. 

 

“Eiji? Are you okay?” He crouched down next to Eiji, watching his dear friend hyperventilate and cry. He looked down; Eiji was clutching his side, where the puckered scar from his last days in New York hid beneath his thin T-Shirt. 

Ash sat down next to Eiji, pulling his shaking body into an embrace, holding him tightly. He caressed his hair and shushed Eiji to calm down. Eiji had done this for him so many times, he could do it too, right? 

“Shh, it’s okay, Eiji. He’s gone. We’re safe. You’re safe. Please try to slow down.” The entire interaction with the mugger lasted mear moments, but it took until long after sunset for Eiji’s breathing to steady and the tears to slow. 

Ash could feel Eiji’s strong grip on Ash’s jacket lessen, and noticed when Eiji gently pulled away. He sniffed, eyes staring directly into Ash’s. Ash felt himself lift his fingers and wipe away a stray tear near the corner of Eiji’s eye. 

“It’s okay.” He reminded Eiji, flashing that award winning smile that he knew he possessed, the smile that he knew melted Eiji whenever he saw it. Eiji gave a small smile. 

“We...are...okay.” He replied. Ash nodded before repeating Eiji’s words back to him: “We are okay.” 

Eiji looked down at his hands, frowning. 

“That asshole took my watch” he stated, slowly. Ash furrowed his eyebrows. 

“I’ll find him.” Eiji shook his head .

“No, I don’t want to think about him again. Can we go?” Ash nodded, leaning over to start collecting the various vegetables that had rolled out of the mesh shopping bags. 

“Let’s get home, before it gets any later.” Eiji voiced again, taking the bags from Ash and quickened his pace towards their home, footsteps tapping quickly against the sidewalk. 

Eiji’s fear was real, understandable, warranted, even. Ash’s calm during such an event was not normal, and he knew that. But for the first time in months, Ash’s past saved Eiji once again. 

At least he could be helpful in one sense. He could keep Eiji safe. 

And he would.


	4. Suds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash makes a friend?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Kenichi is not a romantic rival of any sort.

Ash went to the laundromat to get out of the house, more often than not. The confused pursed lips and oddly resentful eyes of Mrs.Okumura made the house feel increasingly smaller. The tumbling of the clothing hitting the edge of the dryers combined with the overwhelming smell of fabric softener was somehow comforting. Ash had always wondered what the mundane felt like; he never thought he would enjoy it as much as he does. 

Adrenaline junkie in him be damned.

He pressed his lower back against the wooden folding table and crossed his arms, watching his ripped jeans tangle with Eiji’s favorite red sweater, suds floating between them like ghosts. 

The bell of the laundromat door chimed, causing Ash t glance towards the sound’s direction. A tall, overloaded laundry basket with legs stumbled blindly past Ash to one of the industrial sized washers. A T-Shirt escaped the basket and floated down onto Ash’s feet. Ash leaned down and retrieved the shirt. 

Turns out, behind the mountain of laundry stood a lanky boy with shaggy black hair, blue tipping the edges. A thin black backpack with neon blue markings was strapped to the boys back with a pair of large headphones sticking out from the side pocket.

Ash noticed the WPI University lanyard falling out of the boy’s skinny jeans before looking down at the shirt in his hand. 

A New York Jets Jersey? 

Ash approached the boy hazardly, unsure. He tended to avoid strangers like the plague. 

“Yo…” He started, slowly piecing together the japanese he needed. The boy turned around, revealing to Ash the strangest honey gold eyes he had ever seen. He peered at Ash curiously before glancing down at the jersey being held out to him. 

“Oh! Arigatou!” He chirped, taking the shirt from Ash before turning to throw it into the washer. He turned back around. 

“Oh..Wait, I’ve seen you before! You live with the Okumura's! English right?” He asked. Ash paused briefly before nodding. 

“Cool! I live across the street from them actually! I’ve known Eiji forever. Name’s Kenichi.” He held out a hand for a handshake, something Ash hadn’t seen since he was in America. He reached out to reciprocate. 

“Ash.” He let the name fall, noticing the lanyard again. 

“Where are you from? No offense, but you don’t look like you grew up here.” Ash paused at the question. This guy’s english seemed too good compared to others he had met in town. 

“America. New York.” He replied, shifting his weight. “You from here?” 

“Born and raised!” Kenichi exclaimed, pulling his backpack off his shoulders. Ash watched him reach in, grab some laundry soap tabs and toss them into the washer. Ash watched him slam the washer door shut and reach into his jingling pockets for some change. 

“But I’ve spent the last few years in the USA for college, only in Massachusetts. I’m home for break.” 

“Oh, I was born there.” 

“No kidding!” 

Ash heard his washer beep, signaling it’s completed cycle. He moved towards the washer, pulling the items out of the machine. Eiji’s sweater was one of the first items his fingers touch. 

“So what, you in some sort of exchange program? I didn’t think the Okumura’s would be interested in being host parents.” Kenichi’s coins clinked into the washer as he spoke. This guy reminded Ash a lot of Shorter; loud, colorful, crass. It was comforting. 

“No, not exactly. I moved here. I’m just staying there until…” He paused, unsure of how much information to give to a stranger. Until Eiji’s parents trust him enough with their son? Until Ash can survive a night on his own without waking up and screaming? Until he finds a purpose in this new life he didn’t earn? 

“...Until I get settled.” He finished. Whether or not Kenichi noticed the insecure pause, he didn’t let on. Ash watched him start the washer before turning back to face him. 

“Wow, no kidding. Okumura-San never really liked foreigners. Something about her father in World War II? I don’t remember, honestly. How’s the old man doing?” 

Ash paused. “Eiji’s father?” He clarified. Kenichi nodded. Ash wasn't sure how much to say. 

“Uh, still in and out of the hospital. Wheelchair bound at this point.” Unable to walk but still able to yell at Ash...

“Ah bummer. I’ll have to visit now that I’m back.” He leaned down to pick up his laundry basket, moving over to the next washer to start a second load. Ash moved across the room towards the dryers. 

“I’ll have to visit Eiji-Kun too...I didn’t realize he had come home.” Kenichi pondered out loud. 

What was this feeling in Ash’s chest..? .He didn’t like it. 

“Are you guys close?” Ash asked. Kenichi laughed. 

“Naw, not really. His mom wouldn’t really let us play together as kids. But we’re neighbors so I’ve known him forever. Kids on the same block tend to know each other, you know?” 

Ash didn’t. His childhood left him in isolation and his preteen years left him in and out of Juvie and Dino’s brothels. 

Not exactly light social talk. 

“Sure, yeah I get it.” He lied instead. 

Ash wasn’t expecting the conversation with this stranger to last as long as it did. Perhaps it was the familiarity Kenichi gave him- he had a lot of similarities to Shorter- or perhaps it was the similar interests, maybe even the feeling of transitioning countries. Before they knew it, Ash’s laundry was completed. 

Kenichi offered to give Ash a ride home, despite the short distance. Wary, Ash declined, packing up his items and briskly walking back to the Okumura home. He didn’t understand what these feelings were. He knew better than to trust anyone- but this person seemed...friendly enough? 

He mentioned the interaction to Eiji when he returned home, hoping to confirm the story that Kenichi and Eiji knew each other.

“Oh, yes, Tezuka Kenichi-Senpai ...He was two years ahead of me in high school….I heard he went to America for University. He’s back?” 

Ash nodded, relieve flushing through his body knowing the strange guy’s story checked out. He had to learn to trust people, somehow, someway. 

“He reminded me a lot of Shorter.” Ash commented, sorting the clean laundry on Eiji’s bed. Eiji assisted in putting some items on hangers and some in drawers, his favorite red sweater was first to be put away. 

“I can understand that. He always seemed like a loud guy. Maybe you found a friend.” Eiji gave Ash a grin, triggering blood to flush to Ash’s cheeks. Eiji was too bright, too warm sometimes. 

“A...friend?” He tossed the word around in his mouth.When was the last time he had made a new friend? 

Eiji, Ash remembered; but that was different. Eiji was completely different. 

Eiji was more than that. Eiji was…

Eiji was…

“Eiji…” Ash started, brain pondering out loud. Eiji hummed in response, cocking his head and raising an eyebrow. 

What was he even thinking of saying? His words caught in his throat. He peered down at his ripped jeans, half folded in his hands, fingers caught in the stressed fabric.

“Nothing, sorry, lost my train of thought.”


	5. Heat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You know that cliche moment where someone drinks too much? Here ya go!

Eiji had always found it hard to fit in with his peers.

His athletic career was the peak of his social interactions, and those both ended the day he botched his landing in the Izumo High School athletic yard. It wasn’t until Eiji fell into New York City and tumbled into Ash’s chaotic life did he ever begin to find some semblance of companionship again.

Coming back to Japan and returning to those memories of loneliness was uncomfortable to say the least. His past was clashing with his present, new confidence overshadowing the awkward local boy he once was. College was so much easier.

Eiji didn’t mind the summer classes he chose. He rationalized it would be quicker to catch up if he just supplemented his courses between school seasons. Also, the classes were more informal, so Ash coming by towards the end of the classes to walk him home wasn’t ill received. Sometimes, the professor would even ask Ash to pose for them, though he would politely decline.

Today, Eiji planned to walk home alone, gathering his photography samples and notebooks, neatly packing them away into his satchel. As he draped his camera over his neck, he felt a tap against his shoulder.

“Okumura Eiji right? Izumo High School?” The girl asked, sparking brown eyes half lidded with her quirky smile. 

Eiji paused, taking a moment. He recognized her.

“Suki-San?” He gaped, surprised. Suki let out a giggle.

“Well I’m glad that you finally noticed me. I’ve been sitting behind you for the last three weeks!” Eiji almost shrugged before remembering his manners; honestly he hadn’t been paying attention to his classmates. His main concern was passing his courses and getting home.

“I apologize; I guess I’ve just been wrapped up. How have you been? I have not seen you since graduation.” 

 

“Good, good….Hey, you should come out with me! A bunch of us from the photography and arts programs are going out for dinner tonight!” Eiji paused, wrinkling his face. 

“Oh, I’m not sure…” Suki grabbed Eiji’s hand. 

“It would be good for you to see some of your classmates, Eiji! Some us of you knew in high school after all! Bring a friend if you want or something!” Eiji hesitated for a moment, before shrugging. 

“Alright, let me just make a quick call.” She beamed as Eiji put the phone to his ear. Eiji knew Ash’s response before he even picked up. 

“I’m not up for it, but you should go! Have fun! Wake me up when you get home.” He replied, even toned. Eiji knew Ash wouldn’t sleep until he came home, but didn’t want to hold Eiji back any more than he felt that he did. Ash thought he was more trouble than he actually was. 

Suki grabbed Eiji’s hand and lead him out to the campus center, where several classmates were starting to gather. Making new friends had always been a struggle for Eiji, but it appeared that no one was going to make it difficult for him. 

As the group of young adults meandered to the train station and headed towards the city, Eiji realized just how much his experiences in New York and with Ash had changed him. He noticed every person on the train and their movements. He paid attention to the body language of everyone he was accompanying. He was quick on his feet and quick to respond, which impressed his peers when a classmate dropped his cellphone and Eiji caught it before it hit the ground. 

When they finally settled at the restaurant and the alcohol started to flow, the students finally got to hear somewhat about Eiji’s New York adventures. 

Eiji's recent anxiety of being in unfamiliar areas did not help his alcohol consumption at all. He knew better, he really did. 

Traveling cross country in a truck to L.A, jumping into the Hudson River, handling a firearm and meeting people from all backgrounds was more than enough to placate Eiji’s peers with astonishment. Most of them began to move on to other conversations. 

But as Eiji's head began to fog with more liquor and encouragement, his lips loosened a bit too much. Bubbles of comments about the gang activities, witnessing the death of children and teeangers alike were only heard by Suki. She stared at her friend, realizing his honesty with shocked and horrified at Eiji’s stories. 

The night settled down, some of the students leaving early and other trying to sober up before boarding the train to go home. Suki stayed by Eiji’s side, sober enough but concerned about leaving Eiji behind. Eiji slightly tipped his glass, balancing the lip haphazardly on the table as he quietly began to drawal about Ash. 

Oh, Ash. 

The golden haired man who was such an enigma when they met has now become almost transparent in their time together. Whose green eyes had seen more horrors than Eiji could ever begin to imagine even if he had wanted to. 

Slips of affectionate words dropped from Eiji’s lips, describing their shared bond and haunting memories of those times in New York; how there was something between them that he just couldn’t name, couldn’t explain. 

Suki gently pried the glass from Eiji’s hand, setting it down on the table out of his reach. 

“It sounds like you’re quite fond of him, Eiji-Kun. Maybe we should get you back home.” 

Shouldering Eiji’s drunken body, Suki lead the way back onto the subway train. She had to prop him up on the plastic seats, shaking him occasionally to ask him where his stop was. When he would wake up he would begin to jabber, slurring between English that Suki didn’t understand and Japanese. 

There was another language in there too...Chinese? Where the hell would Eiji learn Chinese? 

The subway arrived to Eiji’s area and luckily for his female friend, his home was not unreasonably far from the station stop. Eiji pointed towards his front door, trying to wiggle himself free of Suki’s grasp and stumble towards the door. She followed behind, stabilizing him as his knees started to collapse under him independent of each other. 

Eiji’s front door opened, revealing a tall caucasian man clad in sweatpants and a white T-shirt. Flames of green in his eyes and blonde hair pushed back off of his porcelain forehead. 

His beauty took Suki off guard, realizing quickly this must be the man that Eiji had described at the restaurant. 

Did he even speak Japanese? English wasn’t a strong skill of hers…

“Uh...Sorry...Eiji…Drink..” She stuttered. Ash thanked her and apologized for the trouble in remarkably well constructed Japanese before taking fumbling Eiji into his arms and shutting the front door. 

Suki stood under the porch light, flabbergasted. This was not how she pictured the night going at all. 

****  
Ash had been waiting patiently on the living room couch, watching the clock tick by. He knew he couldn’t stop Eiji from living his life, and he would hate himself even more if he did, but the anxiety he felt having Eiji out this late at night set his teeth on edge. Ash had to keep reminding himself that Japan was safe, that strangers were not going to kidnap him or try to hurt him. Even if they did, Eiji could take care of himself at this point, right? He had learned more than enough during his time with Ash at the very least. 

So when Ash heard exasperated voices combined with Eiji, Ash was quick to the front door. Eiji surprised him, falling into his arms, words dribbling from his lips about his night. A strange woman, appearing too young to be associating with Eiji, stood at the foot of the porch staircase with wide eyes. 

She stuttered through an apology and Ash wondered if he sounded that way to native speakers when he tried to switch languages. 

Ash guided Eiji to the couch after locking the front door, hoping to hydrate him and put him to bed, but Eiji had other ideas. 

Eiji grabbed Ash’s shirt collar, yanking him down onto the couch next to him before slamming his bitter lips against Ash’s. Ash gripped the arm of the couch, trying to control the feelings starting to explode in his gut. 

Eiji muttered something into Ash’s mouth, but the odd arrangement of multiple language sounded like gibberish. 

Ash put his hands on Eiji’s shoulders, attempting to guide him away. 

“Eiji, stop, c’mon, you need to go to bed.” Eiji pressed against Ash’s hands, instead moving to straddle Ash’s lap. He had never done anything like this before, when did he become so bold? Ash was floored, unable to react as Eiji slipped his tongue past Ash’s teeth. 

His mind was still objecting, but slowly was melting as Eiji slipped his hands into Ash’s hair. 

This was wrong, Eiji was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing; Ash would be damned to ever take advantage of him. 

But why did Ash like this so much? 

Ash placed his hands lightly on Eiji’s hips, leading Eiji to press down against Ash’s groin. Ash’s groan couldn’t be stifled and traveled down Eiji’s eager throat, urging the drunken boy to move his hips more, grinding harder as his fingers tangled farther into Ash’s hair. Their bodies reactions were almost instantaneous and in sync. 

This didn’t make any sense to Ash, who moved his hands up Eiji’s back, responding to his kisses with a hesistative response. Eiji had never been much of a drinker, and certainly never acted so forward. Eiji muttered again, moving his lips behind Ash’s ear. 

“Dai...suki...da...yo...dai suki da yo” 

 

Ash paused, resting his hands against Eiji’s thighs. He knew that phrase, right? He couldn’t think, brain evaporating with Eiji’s breath on his neck. His teeth nibbled against Ash’s ear lobe and Ash could feel his brain flatline. 

His body took over, gripping Eiji’s hips and guiding the sloppy grinding to a more stable tempo. Faster. Faster. Harder. He could hear Eiji panting, mewling into his collarbone. Eiji had no experience, not really. These teasing movements he may have learned in movies or books, but it was clear he had never done them himself; despite his clumsy movements being enough to send Ash far into Orbit. 

Eiji suddenly tensed up, pulling slightly at Ash’s hair with an exhasperated moan. His muscles slacked, hips slowed, chin shoving its way into Ash’s shoulder. Ash pulled Eiji off of him and looked him over. Slight sweat danced over his brow and a small wet spot was growing on the front of Eiji’s slacks. 

Ash stood up, guiding Eiji to lay on his back before pulling an afghan from the back of the couch to drape over him. Eiji continued to mutter, grumble as he fell in and out of a deep sleep. Ash retrieved a trash barrel, a bottle of aspirin and a bottled water and set them down on the coffee table. He removed Eiji’s shoes and once he confirmed Eiji was starting to lightly snore, he silently brought himself to the bathroom. 

Ash’s behavior shot through him while his arousal continued to fight against the fabric of his sweatpants. Nausea hit violently, catapulting Ash towards the toilet to vomit up what little food and stomach acid was left within him. His brain continued to cycle between Eiji’s moans and the moans of his abusers, the feeling of wet semen against his skin, the hard kisses. 

In those moments Ash’s brain couldn’t separate beautiful Eiji from the scum who once haunted Ash’s life and his body was rejecting the feelings. Ash liked feeling Eiji like that, loved the sounds he made and the way he made him feel, so why was he dry heaving into the toilet? 

How could one feel so aroused while feeling so sick about feeling so aroused? 

He pressed his head against the porcelain as his stomach began to calm and the storms started to clear from his mind. Maybe Eiji was right, maybe he should start seeing someone about these reactions. 

Especially if Eiji wants to do this sort of thing again...Especially if Ash wants Eiji to do these sorts of things again… 

But what does this all mean for them? 

 

Eiji woke up hours later, long after Ash had settled back into bed. He groaned, noticing his haphazard placement on the couch before noticing the dampness in his pants and boxers. 

The memory of his actions hit him in waves, slamming into his consciousness like a freight train, leaving Eiji mortified but still somehow wanting more.

What does he do now?


	6. Kitchen Tiles

The last thing Eiji ever wanted was to thrust his own burdens onto others. He had always tried to be as independent as possible, but often due to his youthful appearance, others would rather step up and do things for him. His athletic career allowed him some freedom, but that was short lived in the end. 

Eiji’s time in New York allowed him to grow up and grow up quickly. Ash’s life was fast and loud and reeking of copper blood and gunpowder and bright lights. If Eiji couldn’t keep up, he knew he could be left behind.

Or worse. 

So when Eiji returned to his parent’s doorstep, doped up on pain medication and antibiotics and swaying from the jetlag, his mother’s first response was coddle. His father’s first response was to yell at his brother-in-Law, Ibe for delivering home his son in such condition. Ibe stuttered through excuses, already promising silence about Eiji’s experiences overseas if his parents asked. As far as the Okumura's were concerned, Eiji had been mugged in New York City and was hurt in the alterication. Eiji gently pushed aside his mother, hobbled towards his bedroom and collapsed into a deep sleep, where he stayed off and on for about two days. 

When he was strong enough to get up, his cell phone had been bombarded with calls, emails, and skype requests. Max Lobo seemed to think that Facetime or Skype would save him money in contacting Eiji overseas. Eiji didn’t have the heart to remind him his date charges might skyrocket instead. 

Max tried to be gentle relaying the medical information, the amount of blood transfusions and surgery that was needed. But when Eiji heard about Ash, found half dead and drained of blood in the NYC Public Library, Eiji dropped the phone before descending into a hyperventilating mess. Max had to yell, Eiji’s phone screen facing down on the kitchen tiles that Ash was alive, recovering, and desperate to hear Eiji’s voice. 

His head continued to spin as he picked the phone back up, now sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor of his parent’s home. Max could see the distress, fumbling with the phone. 

Eiji’s chest began to ease once he saw Ash, pale as hell and dark under eyes, but smiling. Eiji let out a maniacal laugh of relief as tears rushed down his face. 

“I’ll come back, Ash, just hang in there. I’ll call Ibe and-” Ash shook his head, eyes closing for a brief moment. 

“No, Eiji. You need to stay there.” He chastised gently, “You’re in no condition to board a plane right now. You barely got the medical clearance to go home in the first place.” 

“But Ash-” Ash raised a hand. 

“I got your letter Eiji. I’ll come to you.” Eiji wiped his face, pulling his knees to his chest and wincing as his bandaged side protested the moment. 

“You mean it? You’ll come?!” He exclaimed. Ash nodded. 

“You’re right Eiji; about everything. I want to be free, with you. If you’ll have me.” 

“Of course! I can’t wait! You’ll love it here! I will have to bring you to-” 

“Why don’t we focus on healing up before we go out on trips, huh?” 

Eiji felt lightheaded with excitement. By the time he had hung up with Ash, his head was spinning again, but not from his medication or pain. 

Convincing his parents was an uphill battle. Ejij never thought as a 21 year old man, he would have to argue with his mother like a small child. He argued that he needed this person, and that this person needed a fresh start. He stated this friend saved his life in New York and Eiji wouldn’t be able to focus on school constantly worrying about him. He stated he would rather go back to New York than live in Japan without him. 

With that threat on their minds, the Okumura’s realized their hands were tied. 

But they had conditions, stipulations for keeping a strange foreigner in their home. Eiji had to finish his college degree, already two years behinds his peers. He needed to complete his apprenticeship with Ibe. The stranger boarding with them would have to pay his own expenses. They both would have to stay out of trouble. Eiji made the agreement, and hoped from there it would be smooth sailing. 

But when Ash showed up six weeks later, small duffle bag on his shoulder, gorgeously disheveled and mysterious as he always was, the Okumura’s were floored. Max Lobo at Ash’s side, trying to smooth over the transition only intimidated the family more. Even when Ibe arrived to vouch for Max and Ash, more fighting broke out between the family. The two americans stood in the doorway, intimidated and confused as the japanese words were shot back and forth at rapid speed. 

Ash might as well have shown up in a leather jacket and riding a motorcycle with Eiji’s parent’s immediate reactions. Ash had done nothing but stand in their front doorway and his parents were already convinced there was something wrong. 

Ash remained on his best behavior after Max went back home, even going as far as to help Eiji’s sister with her English and literature homework, but there was something that still itched at Mrs. Okumura. He appeared educated, but she noticed the scars on his body, the lack of personal belongings, merely some clothing, eye glasses and a photo album. His manners were impeccable, but she noticed the two sets of identification he had carried with him; an American ID that had a different name than his passport. She noticed that Ash rarely stayed in the guest bedroom, and found him in Eiji’s bed with her son more often than not. She heard the screams and cries at night and the slamming when he would punch his fists into the floor. 

Then there was the night a raccoon broke into the family’s recycling, knocking the bin over with a loud crash. Mrs. Okumura found Ash had jumped out of Ejij’s bedroom window, barefoot and broomstick in hand and eyes flaring with something she couldn't name. 

Every time she addressed Eiji, he dodged the questions or minimized his answers. If this boy was dangerous, Eiji was not allowing her to find out. 

Eiji had changed, not just with the new scars on his body. He seemed to mature beyond his years while he was gone. He appeared more serious and more aware of his surroundings, more distant from many of the people he would interact with before he left. 

Eiji and Ash appeared to cling to each other, like being seperated was losing oxygen. They always remained within touching distance when they were together. Ash was noticeably more anxious when Eiji was gone, fulfilling his end of his agreement with his parents. 

“Son, about Ash…” Mrs. Okumura started one morning, hands deep in the warm soapy water of the kitchen sink. Eiji stood beside her diligently drying dishes as she handed them to him, water dripping onto the white and blue kitchen tiles beneath their feet. 

“Hm?” Eiji murmured, rotating a plate against a white dishcloth. Ash would still be asleep for some time. 

“I heard your friend again last night.” She started, slowly. 

“I’m sorry, Oka-san, we’re working on that.” He apologized. 

“And he’s still not working, I see.” She continued. Eiji flashed a glare. The air was beginning to tense, tightening like a violin string being tuned. 

“You know it can be hard to find a job as a foreigner, especially looking the way Ash does. He’s looking, and he’s still paying his expenses on time, right?” 

Tighter. 

“Yes, of course.” She replied, looking down at the suds again. 

“I don’t understand why you can’t just trust him, Oka-San. What has he possibly done to make you so wary of him?” 

“Well I’d just like to know more about the man whom my son has so much investment in. We don’t even know his real name, Eiji.” 

Tighter.

“His name is Ash, mom. Aslan? He introduced himself, remember? When Max was here?” 

“But who was Max, really?” 

“Ash’s dad.” 

“Don’t lie to me, Eiji. They don’t look anything alike and that man was way too young. Don’t think I didn’t notice the dog tags either; military men aren’t the most trustworthy.” 

Eiji couldn’t help but roll his eyes before replying “Adoptive father, Oka-San; and Max is very trustworthy. He and Ibe are very close.” 

“Yes well, my brother does tend to make bad judgements at times.” 

Too tight. 

“Mother, what are you trying to say, exactly?” Mrs. Okumura pulled her hands out of the sink, resting them against the edge of the sink and pulling her eyes up to look through the window in front of them. 

“I’m just worried Eiji, you’ve changed so much. You were meant to be gone two months and you were gone for two years. We worried about you. Then you come home hurt so bad with this stranger in tow. We just aren’t sure if Ash is someone you should keep in your life.” 

Eiji, now finishing drying a tea cup, gently placed the teacup in the cabinet before tossing the hand towel onto the counter. 

“I’m sure that Ash is someone I should keep in my life.” Eiji crossed his arms in front of his chest, pulling back from the counter. Mrs. Okumura turned to face him, arms at her sides now. 

“You should be focusing on finishing your schooling, starting a life for yourself, maybe even start a family, not babysitting a grown man from another country.” 

“I am focused on my schooling. My grades are flawless, mother; and I am working on starting my career. Ash doesn’t need a babysitter, he needs support. I don’t see the problem.” 

“You two are too intimate Eiji.” Eiji’s face started to turn red, whether from anger or embarrassment was lost to his mother. 

“What do you mean?” He asked, voice raising. 

Too tight. It’s too tight. 

“You know what I mean, Eiji. How you act around each other isn’t normal; You don’t want people to get the wrong idea.” 

It snapped. 

“Wrong idea about what?” Eiji challenged, louder than before. “Say it mom!” 

But Mrs. Okumura’s eyes were looking past Eiji’s shoulders. Eiji turned to see Ash, still in pajamas and slippers standing in the doorway. He cocked his head, rubbing sleep from his eyes, not understanding the conversation that had been had before him but feeling the energy between the mother and son. 

Eiji appeared frustrated, shoulders tense and fists balled up now at his sides. 

“We’re done with this.” Eiji stated to his mother, firmly, before turning to Ash and asking in English what he would like for breakfast with a smile. Ash raised an eyebrow at Mrs. Okumura’s submissive demeanor with resentful eyes. 

Eiji’s stomach lurched and burned as he handed Ash a cup of coffee. He felt like he was a guilty child caught with something he shouldn’t have. 

He watched Ash bring his coffee cup to his pale lips, jade eyes glowing with the sun peering in from the kitchen window and his heart swelled. 

He bit his lip, feeling the indentation Ash had left there just nights before. He could almost remember Ash’s hot breath on his neck and his hands on his thighs. 

His mother continued to observe them with tentative eyes, making it hard for Eiji to swallow the lump in his throat.

It definitely felt like he’d be caught with something he shouldn’t have. 

*******

 

“I think I’m causing Eiji’s family problems.” Ash commented to Kenichi later that afternoon, sitting on the Tezuka’s front porch with his new friend. They had started exchanging books and CDs over the course of the last few weeks. Apparently Kenichi had decided that day at the laundromat that Ash was his new best friend and eventually wore the blonde boy down. 

Kenichi peered up from the Hemingway book Ash had brought. “What makes you say that?” He probed. Ash slid back in the porch chair. 

“I think he’s been fighting with his parents about me.” Ash turned a CD case around in his hands, focusing his eyes on the elaborate cover. 

“Why do you think it’s you?” 

 

“I can’t imagine what else it could possibly be.” 

Kenichi shrugged. 

“That family doesn’t like change, or the unfamiliar. They freak out whenever we get new neighbors.” 

Ash shrugged. 

“I think it might be more than that. I realize that I might look...I know Eiji didn’t tell them anything about me before I got here. They must have a million questions.”

Kenichi closed the book, turning his body towards Ash. “So why don’t you talk to them? You’ve learned enough Japanese by now, right?” 

Ash put the CD down before knotting his hands together. “It’s complicated. If they knew the truth, I don’t think they’d allow Eiji to associate with me. I’ve done some pretty awful things.” Kenichi raised an eyebrow. 

“What could you have possibly done that would be that bad?” He asked. Ash let out a bark of a laugh. 

“Where do you want me to start? It would be quicker to list all of the good things I’ve done.” 

Kenichi chuckled, hoping to joke. “What, did you join a gang or something?” He asked, voice sarcastic. Ash bowed his head, placing it in his hands, pausing for a long time before responding with a deep sigh.

“Try leading one. Successfully. Several at one point in lower Manhattan.” Kenichi widened his eyes. “You’re joking.” He replied, balking. Ash shook his head, golden hair falling into his face. 

“That’s not even the worst, Ken. Eiji was in so much danger with me and got hurt so many times. If I were his parents and I knew the truth, I would have never allowed me here.” 

The silence only lasted for a moment before Kenichi slapped Ash on the back, pulling him into a side hug. 

“I bet you wouldn't hurt a fly now, dude.” he laughed, using his free hand to tussle Ash's hair. Ash pulled away, annoyed already. 

Kenichi’s tone turned half serious, but teasing still leaked into his words. 

“Dude, I mean, what is your relationship with Eiji like, anyway? They can’t be too freaked out about him helping out a friend, right?” 

Ash paused for a moment, that night replaying in his head again. 

Lips. Hips. Hair. Skin. Tongue. Warmth. 

He shook his head, blood rushing to his face and nose; this was not the time. 

“It’s complicated.” He muttered. Kenichi laughed. 

“Your face says otherwise, dude.” Ash turned his face away, lips turning down. “Fuck off, man.” He groaned. Kenichi laughed again. 

“Well, you really need to figure that out before you talk to Eiji’s parents. If they think something else is going on when it isn’t, it’s just going to cause more miscommunication.” 

“I know that.” Ash grumbled, annoyed. What made him decide to confide in such an obnoxious person? He thought about Shorter and remembered that perhaps he is just drawn to certain personality types. 

“Do you think you could maybe help me? Talk to them?” Ash faltered. “There is still a lot of Japanese I haven’t learned yet.” 

“Well, sure. What do you need to say?” 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the reviews and discussions being had in the comments- I was so worried that people wouldn't receive my stories well.   
> I love fluffy and cute-angsty stories. I would want nothing more than for Ash to be accepted into open arms in Japan and be healed easily with Eiji's infallible love. But as a trauma/sexual assault victim who has worked with trauma victims, it's not that easy. And as someone who deals with depression and has supported a partner with psychiatric concerns, I can relate to how Eiji would feel. Taking responsibility for someone like Ash would be exhausing, no matter how much he loved him or how hard Ash tried.   
> I have been searching for more grounded stories about the BF group, because as much as I appreciate fairy tale-esc fics, I relate too much to Ash and Eiji's struggle to find too much comfort in those.   
> Thank you to everyone who has read and commented and given kudos! It's been so encouraging for me!   
> I can't wait to continue- you guys have already given me so many ideas!


	7. Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something has got to give. 
> 
> Trigger warnings in the notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING This chapter will have semi-graphic references to Ash's past as a CSA survivor and dealing with Child Sex Trafficking towards the beginning, along with references to body mutilation. This is very quick, but if this is a trigger for you, skip towards the first set of ***** . Its a nightmare sequence, that's all you really need to know.

Fourteen year old Ash felt his back press against the brick garden wall with his bicep in Marvin’s grip. He could hear the purring of his disgusting tongue in his ear making promises that Ash almost prayed would never be followed through. Cheap cologne and aftershave waifed into his nose. 

Suddenly he’s back in that grungy hotel, wrists burning from the rope binding them. 

His wrists were not the only part of his body burning. His pelvic area pulsed in pain, he could feel the warmth dripping out of him and he wasn’t sure if it was cum or blood. 

Did it even matter? 

Dino stood above him, speaking about his pending adoption, about forever being linked to the Golzine name, about his pride in obtaining a vessel from God. 

Dozens of children being held in trafficking bunkers, too drugged up to comprehend their position. 

Dozens of other children, pubescent, dead on the side of the highway or in the Hudson River with their genitals mutilated and fingertips cut off. 

Shorter drowning in his own blood, begging Ash for relief, to be released. 

Eiji screaming Ash’s name, tears streaming down his face. 

Ash screaming back for Eiji, Shorter, his faceless mother, anyone. 

*******

Ash’s eyes flew open as his body jumped out of bed. Cold sweat had soaked his pajamas through completely and his head began to spin at the sudden movement. 

His chest was too tight, lungs collapsed and protesting with a hysteric wheeze. Ash’s knees buckled, hitting the carpet with a thud. 

Hands clawing at his own chest, pulse beating hard in his ears and temples and fuzzing his vision. Everything hurt. They’re going to come for him again. He can’t go through that again. 

How can he be drowning with no water? 

“Ash? Can I touch you?”

A voice?

Hands rested softly on Ash’s shoulders, causing Ash to jump and fling his body away. They’re coming for him. 

“Get Away!” 

“Ash, it’s me, it’s Eiji.” Ash paused for a moment, his vision starting to clear. Eiji sat on the floor across from him, knees folded beneath him. 

“Ash, listen to my voice, alright?” Eiji gently grasped Ash’s hands, moving them to the carpet. 

“Can you tell me what your hands are feeling?” Ash’s chest continued to heave, brain uncomprehending immediately. He looked down. 

“Carpet...The carpet…It’s….soft...cold...” He replied, slowly. Eiji nodded, calmness radiating like an aura. 

“Good. What color is the carpet?” 

“Blue?”

“Good...Where are you, Ash? What can you see?” 

Ash’s eyes glazed around the room, still feeling lightheaded. 

“I see...a desk. A bed. Books. Red sweater. Eiji’s room.” He paused, finally making eye contact. 

“I see Eiji.” 

The japanese boy smiled warmly. 

“Good Ash, you’re doing good.” Eiji lifted Ash’s limp hand and placed it over his heart.

“Just focus on your breathing and my heartbeat, okay? Take a deep breath through your nose into your belly...Good…”

Ash’s palm felt the thumping of Eiji’s heart through his pajamas, steady but a little fast. Eiji’s body is radiating warmth. 

Ash’s body slowly but surely began to slow down, lungs inflating and brain unfogging. He was in Japan. He was nineteen years old. Eiji was safe. He was safe with Eiji. 

“You don’t have to fight anymore, Ash.”  
Nausea hit Ash slowly at first, then all at once. He could feel his jaw ache and stomach lurch before finding himself with his head in the toilet once again. 

Eiji had followed suit not long after, carrying a fresh set of pajamas and a bath towel in his arms. He set them down on the bathroom sink before kneeling down with Ash and rubbing circles into his back until he stopped heaving. 

“You don’t deserve this, Eiji” Ash panted, clutching his hand against the edge of the tub to stabilizing himself. “You deserve so much better than meeting me...You shouldn’t have to take care of me like this.”

Silence. Water dripping from the sink faucet. Ash shifted. 

“I want this life. I want this peace with you...but if I don’t have someone to fight….how do I know who I am?” 

Eiji didn’t answer, merely pushing Ash’s hair from his face. 

“You should shower.” He replied instead, ignoring Ash’s comments. “You’ll get sick if you go to sleep covered in sweat.”

When Ash finally emerged from the shower, he found Eiji sitting on his bedroom window sill. His legs were pulled to his chest and he seemed to be chewing on his thumb nail. His eyes looked drained, empty and tired while they stared into space and Ash knew it wasn’t because it was 3AM. 

“Eiji...Are you alright?” He asked, slowly, removing the towel from around his neck and head. Eiji didn't answer right away. 

“I’m so sorry...I don’t think I’ve had one that bad since I’ve been here…” Ash sat across from Eiji on the sill for what felt like an hour before Eiji got up and went to his bedside table. He quietly pulled open the drawer, revealing a small number of prescription bottles next to a pair of thick framed eyeglasses and what appeared to be a discarded ankle brace. He sorted through the three bottles before handing one over to Ash. Ash rolled the bottle in his fingers, finding the English name of the medication mixed in among the Japanese. 

“Lorazepam...Ativan?” He asked, Eiji didn’t make eye contact right away. 

“I was given these before I went to America...My doctor said they would help me sleep, but I could never get myself to take them...Maybe they would help you.” Ash peered at the bottle again before looking at Eiji’s downcast eyes. 

“I didn’t know you had an anxiety problem, Eiji.” Ash voiced horsley. Eiji’s brown eyes lifted, storming with something Ash couldn’t identify.

“I guess there might be much you do not know about me yet, Ash.” He stepped forward, lifting himself onto his toes before planting a soft kiss on Ash’s forehead. Ash paused briefly before wrapping his arms around Eiji and pulling him into his chest. 

“I want to know everything, Eiji. I want to know everything about you.” He muttered into the dark, fluffy and disheveled hair that cushioned Eiji’s head. Ash could feel Eiji’s shaking fingers tightening around the fabric of his pajama sleeve. He heard Eiji swallow, pushing down words. Eiji wanted to say something, Ash knew it. 

“Eiji...What-” Eiji lifted his chin, placing a delicate kiss on Ash’s lips, so light that Ash may not have felt it if he hadn’t watched Eiji do it. 

“Do you think you could get back to sleep?” He asked, almost like the kiss hadn’t happened. Ash faltered before nodding slowly.

As they settled back into bed, Ash felt like everything was made of glass, one wrong move could shatter everything, even Eiji. 

It hadn’t occurred until now to Ash how deeply this may have affected Eiji, or the possibility that Eiji may have had some trouble before they met. 

Eiji never seemed like he would need medications. He never seemed like he needed the kind of help that Ash does. 

Ash had always admired Eiji’s calmness, patience and determination. His kind and trusting nature was jarring when they first met. 

But what was he like before? 

What if that calmness and patience was a way of coping, or worse, hiding? 

Does Eiji take care of himself the same way he takes care of Ash? And if he wasn’t, why was Ash just wondering about this now? 

Ash couldn’t fathom how he could be even more of a selfish fucker than he already was. 

 

When Ash awoke, he noticed the curtains had been drawn, blocking out the bright summer sun. The clock identified it was well past 10AM.

He could hear voices echoing in the hallway, Japanese dancing into Ash’s ears. He could smell coffee, remembering that Eiji started brewing it in the morning primarily for him alone. 

He rose slowly, unsteady, tossing his legs lazily over the side of the bed. He paused when his eyes drifted towards Eiji’s bedside table. 

He shouldn’t. It’s wrong. 

But his fingers moved anyway, alien from the rest of his body. His fingers gripped the handle and pulled the drawer open carefully, avoiding making any noise. Ash glanced back up at the cracked bedroom door before looking back down at the drawer. 

An antidepressant, an anxiety medication and the sleep medication that he offered to Ash last night laid in the drawer, proving to Ash that he didn’t dream up the interaction with Eiji last night. The bottles were full, proving to Ash that they were either new or untouched. The ankle brace shoved in the corner looked warn, fabric on the brace threadbare. 

Eiji was a Pole Vaulter, right? He said he got hurt and had to stop…

How can he care about someone so much and yet know so little about them? 

When Ash finally approached the kitchen, he could hear raised voices that screeched to a halt once his presence was realized.

Eiji held out a white mug, steaming with the smell of fresh coffee with a bright smile and a “good morning”. How could Eiji pretend like last night hadn’t happened? 

Mrs. Okumura stared at Ash, eyes indecisive and squinting with agitation. He placed his lips to the edge of the mug, absorbing the heat. 

They couldn’t keep going on like this. 

Something's got to give. 

******

“Well Aslan, I would like to thank you for taking the time to visit with me today.”

“Ash..I...uh...prefer Ash.” The therapist nodded., tucking deep red hair behind her ear. Accent thick from Scotland. When Ash learned that specialists from the UK would often come and work in Japan, he was relieved. 

“Very well then, Ash. Would you be able to tell me a little about yourself?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've decided to experiment a bit with Eiji's perspective. I've finally read A Private Opinion and Fly Boy in the Sky and have started to consider more about the impact everything has had on Eiji. He has already shown significant signs of depression throughout all of the BF series, particularly in Fly Boy, but leaves some gaps. I'm not too sure how out of character his behavior would be here, but as someone who lives with dysthymia, I feel like I could picture Eiji as a high functioning depressive focusing on caring for someone else (Ash) to avoid thinking about himself. 
> 
> Thoughts are appreciated! 
> 
> Next chapter: Ash confronts the Okumuras!


	8. Head Above Water

Eiji's father returned from the hospital again by the end of July, leading to a whole different level of tension balancing in the home. Dealing with the consequences of liver failure, Mr. Okumura tended to bounce back and forth between the local dialysis clinic and Izumo Regional Hospital for further treatment and complications.  
The family never discussed how the liver failure was triggered, but Ash remembered Eiji had said something about cancer.  
But it seemed Mr. Okumura had a significant amount of pride towards his children, especially Eiji, which triggered a weird sense of jealousy in Ash. He had never received genuine praise before, especially from his own father.

Is this what approval looked like?

Then why did Eiji's smile seem so empty?

Ash could feel his leg bouncing under the kitchen table, nerves sparking in his fingertips and toes, eyeballs continuing to dart towards the door. Kenichi was expected to arrive at any time for moral and linguistic support. It was hard enough to arrange such a formal meeting with the Okumura's in the first place, he didn't want to flub it over a miscommunication.

Eiji had respected Ash's request to keep a reasonable distance, but he still paced back and forth in the hallway like a caged animal, unsure and anxious, listening for his parents in their bedroom.  
Kenichi arrived, goofy grin on his face and bulky headphones around his neck. He had told Ash that the Okumura's never really liked him to begin with, so why try to impress the now? He was going to come as he was to ask the Okumura's to accept Ash as he was.

When Mrs. Okumura wheeled in her husband to the kitchen table, the air was so thick, Ash was convinced he would choke on it. Eiji's mother raised an eyebrow at Kenichi, informed that he would be coming but seeming to not believe he actually showed up. Kenichi, of course, remained, deliberately ignoring her body language.

Ash stood up, faced the two elder adults before bowing and thanking them for meeting with him. He could feel his hands shaking, but knew etiquette was essential, so shoving them in his pockets was not an option.

He started slow, trying to enunciate each Japanese syllable properly, rolling the vowels over his tongue carefully before letting them fall from his lips. He had been receiving tutoring for months, and Kenichi had helped accelerate that. He had an obscenely high IQ; he's hacked into computers and created espionage schemes and took down the Mob. He could do this.

 

"I want to thank for you inviting me into your home, with very little information about who I am or why I am here." He started, tremors climbing up his spine.

 

"The truth is that I was involved with gang activity...I was mixed up with some really powerful and bad people when I was too young to be able to fight back. I dealt with years of...abuse, I suppose. It felt more like torture. I've fired a gun. I've sold my...my body, my brain, everything I've ever had."

 

He paused for a moment, hearing Eiji's pacing footsteps slow.

 

"I did some bad things, and had to get away from some bad people. I am not proud of the life I have lived; for me to go into all of the details, we would be here for days...I will not put you through that."

 

Ash took a breath.

 

"But regardless of who I was or where I came from, I would like to be given the opportunity to show you both who I am now, and how much I care about Eiji. You have raised an incredible son. Smart, brave, and so...so kind. I'm so thankful to have been able to meet him when I did. He has completely changed my life for the better and I...I wouldn't be here today without him."

Eiji's footsteps stopped.

"I...I love your son. His life and his happiness will always be more important to me than my own...And I will work for the rest of my life to prove myself to be worthy enough for him. I would like to hope, that in that time...I can prove myself worthy in your eyes as well."

He bowed once more, nerves exploding in his throat.

"Please give me a chance!"

The silence was palpable and the air grew cold. Ash could hear Kenichi release his breath, seeming to have been holding it this whole time.

Eiji couldn't wait any longer, entering the dining room. Ash could see he wanted to say something, but the words weren't coming out yet.

Mr. Okumura looked confused more than anything. It seems the family had spared him from most of the subtle drama within the home. He had known Eiji had a friend staying with them, but it seemed he knew little else. He was so frail as a fifty year old man, but somehow…

Mrs. Okumura gracefully stood up, almost silent as she pushed her chair back. She bowed her head briefly before motioning towards Kenichi.

She started speaking slowly and with precision. Perhaps this was meant so that Ash could understand or maybe so Kenichi could translate, but Ash couldn't hear her over the heartbeat in his own ears. When she stopped, bowed her head and turned her back to the kitchen sink, he darted his eyes towards Kenichi to find some solstice.

He didn't find that.

Kenichi's eyes were widened, eyebrows furrowed and mouth slightly agape. His head was shaking slightly in disbelief. Eiji stood in the kitchen doorway, frozen.

"No way.." As the words fell out of Kenichi's mouth in a weak whisper, it finally hit Ash, rutting into his gut like a freight train.

They said no. They rejected him. He wasn't good enough. He will never be good enough.  
Kenichi stood up with a start and stormed out of the room. Ash couldn't think, but allowed his feet to follow behind his friend. He could hear the kitchen sink water running.

Kenichi stormed up and down the hallway twice before Ash numbly opened his own bedroom, allowing his agitated friend inside.

He could hear Eiji protesting, raising his voice, the confused questions of Mr. Okumura. The calm retorts of Mrs. Okumura. 

"I can't believe them! How could they be so cruel?!" He paced back and forth, pulling at the blue in his hair before pointing towards the door.

"That woman will never change, I'll tell you! No one is good enough for their precious golden boy Eiji!"

"I'm not precious, Tezuka-San, and I haven't been a golden boy in a very long time." Eiji stood in the bedroom doorway briefly before stepping in and closing the door behind him. Ash almost burst out into tears at the sight of Eiji so sad, defeated. Kenichi stopped pacing and shrugged.

"Kenichi man, Call me Kenichi. Tezuka-San is my dad." He chuckled, but it sounded forced and pained. "I think we can be on a first name basis at this point, yeah?"

Eiji forced a weak smile "Kenichi, right." Ash considered the possibility of passing out. Before letting himself debate the possibility any longer, he slowly lowered himself onto the bed, made neatly and barely used during his time here. He had always felt more comfortable in Eiji's bed. 

"What exactly...did she say?" Ash drawled, slowly. Eiji couldn't make eye contact. Kenichi didn't speak.  
"Ken...please..." Cracked Ash. Ken turned, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck.

"Right...Well, she basically said that someone who...someone with that kind of background...shouldn't be involved with their son...They said they weren't convinced Eiji was, you know, into guys, and they wouldn't allow him to ruin his life like that."

 

"Ruin...his life?" Of course. He would ruin Eiji; he already has. Ash put his head in his hands.

"Yeah well...like, laws have changed and stuff Ash, but like, you know, people still suck. Eiji may still be denied stuff like housing, jobs, other opportunities for being gay or seeming gay...and to be with a foreigner who looks like you...that would make things even harder."

Ash didn't reply. He didn't consider any of that before. He knew that looking the way he did wasn't making his life easier in a small city like Izumo...but he didn't think that it would affect Eiji as much too.

Kenichi continued; "They asked you to leave. They said they would give you some time to buy a plane ticket, but they said they want you out as soon as reasonably possible."

"A plane ticket..." Ash echoed. "A plane ticket to where?"

"The US, I'm assuming..." Kenichi continued. "But there's no way in hell you're going back there, right? You can't."

Eiji, unable to speak until now, jerked himself to attention at the idea. "You can't leave!" He exclaimed, voice also cracking.

 

"Where....am I supposed to go? No one will rent to someone like me out here...I don't even..."

 

"I'll go talk to them.." Eiji started to turn to head out the door when Kenichi reached out his hand, placing it on Ash's shoulder.

"You can stay with me until you find one...I'll help." Eiji stopped in his tracks.

"Ken, I can't ask you to do that."

"Fuck yeah you can. Once my mom hears about all of this? Hell, I'll be surprised if she doesn't come down here and drag you over herself." Somehow, Ash found himself curious about the enigmatic Mrs. Tezuka storming into the Okumura home. He wasn’t sure if that was how he wanted to meet the woman. But then again, crashing on her couch wouldn’t make a great first impression.   
“I couldn’t possibly thank you enough, Kenichi-kun…” Eiji bowed. “I will make sure we have a place to go quickly. I appreciate all your help.” 

Kenichi’s face turned red for a brief moment before waving his hands in protest. 

“Dude, don’t bow to me. Jeez I’ve been overseas for way too long. Ash is my friend now, I’m invested, right, Ash?”

Ash couldn’t help but smirk. “Friends” He said, “right.” He stood up, only to be encased by a sudden hug in Eiji’s arms. 

“Thank you Ash...for trying...I can only imagine how hard that must have been for you...This will be temporary... I’ll have an apartment picked out for us in no time.” Ash encased Eiji’s waist with his arm hesitantly. Was this okay? Eiji didn’t pull away. 

“We will work on it together. I’ve still got Dino’s money, remember?” Ash winked, causing Eiji to smile and blush. 

Kenichi let out an over dramatic groan. “Wow, you guys really must be gay or something…Wait...what money?” 

Ash snorted. 

“We have so much to fill you in on I suppose.” Eiji let out a loud laugh, allowing trapped air to be released from Ash’s lungs.

He realized he wanted Eiji to laugh like that every day. 

Every day.


	9. Guts Over Fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t fit. I’ve grown out of it.”

Ash has never really been a forgiving person. He had never really had a reason to be. To forgive Eiji's parents for their rejection and to move on from their home graciously was beyond challenging. He’d rather be doing an arms deal, honestly. 

Resentment continued to build as Ash packed his menial articles of clothing, the few he brought from home and the few he and Eiji had purchased since he'd arrived. Agitation coursed through his veins as he sorted through his books, his singular photo album. In the pocket of his winter jacket he found Griffin's single dog tag; he had given Max the matching double before he left. He let the aged, cold metal tumble through his hands, contemplating. If only Eiji's parents could understand how much he'd lost, how much he'd gone through just to make it here. If only they could understand how little control he had actually had during his life.

"Ash, you haven't touched your food." Eiji's voice came from the bedroom doorway, calm and concerned as always. Ash didn't turn to face him, concentrating on Griffin's name engraved in the metal oval. Eiji peered over to the bento box of meat, rice and vegetables, untouched on the desk by the door.

"I'll get to it, Eiji. I'm sorry."

"You don't eat when you're stressed out." Eiji commented, stepping forward before placing himself on the edge of Ash's bed. "It seems that you carry most of your anxieties in your stomach."

Ash let out a small chuckle, "Yeah, that seems about right." He clutched the metal disk in his palm before shoving it into his baggy dress shirt pocket. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

"It's going to be hard...being away from you at night...I don't think I can sleep while worrying about you...about making sure that you're safe." Eiji's shoulders slacked. He leaned forward, collecting Ash's hands into his own.

"I'll be safe here, and it will only be for a short time. I've already spoken to a realtor, and he already has a few Manshons we could look at..." Ash cocked his head, eyebrow raised. Eiji smiled and continued.

"They're nicer apartments...they're more expensive but they're safer and quieter... Sound proofing, Security, upper floors...safer. I think you'd like it."

Ash squeezed Ejii's hands back.

"Sounds great...I'm sure you'll find something that suits us...and I'll take care of the rest." Eiji peered down at their joined hands.

"I plan to get a job soon. This is my responsibility too." Ash shook his head, straightening his shoulders.

"Absolutely not. You have enough on your plate; you should finish school." Eiji pulled back, puffing out his cheeks in that cute, defiant way that made Ash's brain feel fuzzy.

"I want to contribute, Ash. You shouldn't be the one paying for everything. This will be my home too." Ash lifted his hands, placing his palms against Eiji's cheeks.

"Listen...I can't have you continue to derail your life again and again for me...I can't let you lose out again...You're too good for that, Eiji. You deserve the best." Eiji reached up, pulling Ash's hands down from his face.

"I deserve to pave my own way too, Ash."

"You do...you are...just...one thing at a time right?" He smirked "Besides, you'd make more money as a photographer than a busboy right?" Eiji smirked back.  
"I suppose...But once I-"

"I know." Ash interrupted, hesitating, before pressing his lips onto Eiji's forehead. Eiji's face flared. Intimacy from Ash was more valuable than gold.

A knock on the bedroom door turned the warmth in the room ice cold. Ash pulled away, causing Eiji to frown. Ash looked down.

"I'll finish up...I know Ken is expecting me to be there by dinner." Eiji nodded before standing up to answer the bedroom door. His mother stood in the doorway, expectant. Eiji advised her that Ash would be leaving soon before gently shutting the bedroom door again.

Ash stood up, slinging the duffle bag over his shoulder once again. He almost felt hollow as he stepped out of the bedroom and down the hall, past Eiji's sister spread out on the living room couch. Eiji followed him, escorting him across the street and down two houses to the Tezkua home.

They stood in Kenichi's doorway, embracing long enough for Kenichi to cough and coerce them in. He reminded Eiji that he could stay there too, but Eiji remarked that he had more to pack than Ash did, and needed some time to find an apartment.

The guest bedroom was set up quickly, with the help of Eiji and Kenichi. Ash couldn't bare when Eiji eventually left, hesitant and slow on his way out. Ash felt anxious almost immediately; being away from him didn't feel right.

He had to get over this. Eiji was perfectly capable of taking care of himself.  
But was Ash capable of taking care of himself?

It was at that point that Ash could hear keys jingling in the front door lock, the sound straightening his spine like a pole.

"Oh, that must be mom." Kenichi announced, pouring potato chips into a large bowl.  
The door opened.

The first thing Ash noticed was how tall she was. Her hair almost hit the top of the doorway her curves and her legs seem to go on for miles. The second thing he noticed was her skin, a gorgeous umber that seemed to glow from within and long, braided hair adorned with blue ornaments.

She stood out, that's for sure.

"Welcome home!" Kenichi called, walking into the living room and standing next to Ash, whose mouth was agape.

"Is this the boy? Ash?" Her accent wrapped around her kind tone. African?  
"Uh...y-yeah?" What was this woman who could pass for a queen doing in the middle of Kenichi's den?

Her arms opened wide, gold bracelets on one wrist jangling as she stepped forward.  
"Come here boy, let me look at you." She placed her hands on Ash's face, turning it gently from side to side.

"So skinny and pale...we will have to work on that." She gave him a playful slap on the cheek before planting a kiss in the same place.

"I am so sorry about Hitomi Okumura. Lady never liked me either, honestly. Not sure what her problem is." She smiled, letting Ash go and embracing her son and began discussing ideas for dinner.

"Now I haven't been to America in a long time but I think that I can swing something." her heels clicked against the hardwood floors towards the kitchen.

"Please...don't worry about me Mrs. Tezuka, please. I'll eat most things, as long as it's not Natto." She let out a laugh.

"Thank Goodness, I can't stomach that either." She rounded the corner, disappearing in a wind of blue and gold.

"That's...your mom?" Ash asked. Kenichi shoved a handful of chips into his mouth.  
"Yeah; She's from Kenya. He and mom met at some academic conference in L.A. It's a nice country. Too hot though." He motioned the bowl towards Ash, who grasped the cold glass in his hands.

So this is why Kenichi looked so different than other people around here; he was biracial.  
"Do you think the reason Eiji's mother didn't want you around...was because of your mother?"  
Kenichi shrugged, speaking with crumbs falling from his mouth.

"Oh, definitely; she made that very clear. She wasn't even the first or the last one to give me shit for it. That's one of the reasons why I would like to get a job in the States. But I mean for my parents it made more sense to raise me here. Schools are better, public safety is better, communities are better...Just the xenophobia needs some work."

Ash remembered his first few days in Japan; he looked so different from everyone else and people would stare and whisper, but in a bad way. He also remembered how people would often look at him in New York. He could relate. 

"Kenichi, come help me cook!" Ash snorted and Kenichi rolled his eyes. The two of them moved quickly to the kitchen.  
****  
Eiji spent his Saturday afternoon trailing behind the real estate agent, inspecting potential apartments. It was hard enough to be so young and expect landlords to take you seriously, but it was even harder to explain how they would be able to afford rent when neither of the tenants were employed.

He didn’t remember Ash having these sorts of problems in the United States when he purchased that condo... 

Whatever happened to that, anyway? 

“Thank you Mr. Okumura, we will certainly consider your application. Please expect to hear from us within the next week.” The last landlord smiled, bowing with Eiji’s documentation in hand. Eiji thanked him back before quietly exiting the building. 

Even though it had only been a few days, Eiji missed Ash terribly. He hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to be seperated like this. His parent’s house no longer felt like home. With his mother hounding him about leaving and his father’s health still rapidly declining, Eiji felt like the walls were sometimes closing in. He would rather the walls start to close in. 

Eiji’s father would still express pride in his son, but perhaps that may be because the family would shield him from the worst of the family’s concerns. He knew little of Eiji’s career ending injury in high school and knew next to nothing of the exploits of New York or even who Ash really was. 

So with the air between his wife and son becoming so tense since his most recent return from the hospital,Mr. Okumura was at a loss to grasp what was going on. He knew he was missing important pieces of his family’s lives, but heaven forbid they stop to catch him up to speed. 

Eiji avoided speaking as much as possible, pressing his lips together to keep the frustration inside. But the anger and sadness continued to bang against the barrier, begging to be set free.  
Where had this aggression come from? The desire to be confrontational? Was that a trait he developed in New York? Maybe. 

“How was your afternoon with Ibe, son? Did you get some nice photographs?” The stack of dishes clinked in Eiji’s hands as his father’s question reached his ears. Would it be easier to lie? Better? In the end, does it really matter? 

His sister Haruka stood at the other end of the table, a bouquet of silverware clutched in her fifteen year old fingers, eyes darting over to their mother at the stove. 

“Sure.” He lied, placing the plates gently against the white tablecloth. He started to sort them amongst the four place settings. Eiji wondered what Ash was up to at the moment...He should go visit him after dinner...make sure he’s alright. 

Haruka and Eiji locked eyes; as hard as Eiji tried to spare her from the chaos around him, she knew. She knew more than she should. Her eyes flicked back down to their mother, sidetracking the conversation with her school activities. She broke her record in the short distance run in her Track Team and won her most recent debate team tournament. Eiji’s shoulders relaxed at the redirected attention. 

“We’re hoping to make it to regionals this year! The girls track team hasn’t been in a while, so it would be a huge deal if we did.” 

Mr. Okumura received a dish of rice from his wife, serving himself before passing the plate over to a now sitting Eiji. 

“That would be fantastic. Seems like that high school hasn’t had a decent win since Eiji quit the team, right son?” Eiji paused mid serving, avoiding eye contact. 

“I wouldn’t know.” He replied quietly, passing the dish along to his sister. 

“That girl called looking for you, Eiji. Yamada Suki?” Eiji peered up at his mother as she spoke. Right. Suki. She had been asking for notes and wanted to follow up from that night at the bar. He had been avoiding the conversation, not sure what exactly to say to her. 

“Oh, Right. I’ll have to call her back.” The next dinner dish was passed around. Suddenly Eiji wasn’t too keen on eating. 

“A girlfriend?” Mr. Okumura questioned. Eiji shook his head. 

“A classmate. She just needs notes, dad. I’ll follow up on Monday.” Mrs. Okumura’s lips turned into a scowl. 

“She seems like a nice girl.” She commented, slowly. Eiji lifted some food to his lips. 

“She is.” The sharpness in his voice was not unnoticed. Haruka straighten up in her seat. 

“I’m sure Eiji has girls flocking to him like he did in high school!” Mr. Okumura laughed with pride. Eiji slouched his shoulder; that was never true, but his father tended to project what he wanted rather than what was actually true. 

Eiji didn’t answer, noticing his mother’s eyes, clouded with words that Eiji didn’t want to hear. 

“I recently heard that Miss Yuki down the street has graduated from University; Perhaps I could speak to her mother about inviting the family over for dinner...What do you think, Eiji?” 

Eiji thought it was stupid to not ask Yuki directly, but even more so that he wasn’t interested in dinner with Yuki. 

He wasn’t interested in dinner with anyone. 

Anyone but Ash. 

“No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” The bite in his words should have warded his mother off, but she would not be deterred so easily. 

“You two used to spend so much time together when she managed your track team in high school. Perhaps someone poised and educated would be a good influence on you.” She pressed her cup to her lips as Eiji clenched his fingers tighter around his chopsticks, skin starting to strain around his knuckles. 

“Ash is educated.” He replied through gritted teeth and tightened lips. There was no reason to explode now...he needed to keep his cool. Mrs. Okumura did not acknowledge Eiji’s reply, turning towards her husband to continue. 

“They used to stay late after practice every night during his last year. It was so sweet that she was helping our Eiji train.” 

“I was staying late to raise my level of difficulty to beat a competitor...and pushed myself too hard and then ruined my career at the competition later that season.” 

“Oh I’m sure you didn’t ruin your career, Eiji. I’m sure if you really wanted to, you could go back to pole vaulting. You just need to condition yourself.” 

“Dad...my knee and ankle were shattered. It hurts sometimes to walk up stairs, forget competitive pole jumping.” 

“Don’t exaggerate Eiji...My liver is rotting out and I can still do my job.” 

That’s a lie. He’s barely worked in years. If it wasn’t for his pension they might all be in the poor house. 

The table was silent for a moment save for the clinking of silverware before Eiji stated firmly, clearly across the table. 

“I’m moving out.” The tableware stopped moving. He continued. 

“With Ash. As soon as possible.” Haruka let out a noise that Ejij couldn’t identify. His mother pressed her fingers against her temples, the dried fingernails digging into her graying hair line. 

“Eiji...I understand you are upset about your friend...But I assure you that we are only trying to guide you in the right direction. If you’ve decided that you’re gay, we...might be able to work with that...but does it have to be a criminal?” 

“He’s not a criminal, mother. He’s a survivor. You say that finding someone poised and educated would be good for me, but Ash is the only one I’m seeing around here who has those qualities.” He paused, chest aching.  
“He laid himself out before you and you guys shredded him to pieces. You keep insisting that you know the best path for me, but you haven’t considered how I might want to live.” 

“ He’s always accepted me for who I am without question and he was once a stranger. I’m your son, you should have been able to do that a long time ago.” 

The hurt in his mother’s eyes was almost palpable; “Does that boy really mean more to you than your own family, Eiji?” 

Eiji stood up, rattling the glassware, letting his voice catch in his throat as he answered. 

“You know that’s not what it is.” Silence. A heartbeat. 

“If you had to choose between us, who would you choose?” 

 

Another heartbeat. A wheeze from Haruka.

“I shouldn’t ever have to make that decision.”  
****

Midway through a dinner of meat seasoned beyond Ash’s understanding, a frantic knock had begun against the Tezuka family front door. Ash felt his muscles tense at the urgency of the noise; Kenichi’s lazy body language as he approached the door was disarming. Ash fingered the dinner knife, already preparing an escape plan before he could stop himself. 

The front door was unlocked and opened, showing a red faced Eiji, lips twisted and eyes watering, carrying a large duffle bag, worn with his high school insignia on it and his camera bag. 

He didn’t have to say a word; they all knew what happened. Ash was standing, shuffling quickly to the door. Eiji dropped his bag, throwing himself into Ash’s arm and squeezing his arms around him. Tears wet the front of Ash’s white shirt and Ash found himself clutching Eiji tighter, like he could disappear if he let go. 

“I don’t belong there anymore. I don’t fit. I’ve grown out of it.” 

Kenichi leaned down to pick up the duffle and dragged it towards the guest room where Ash had been staying without a word. Mrs. Tezuka was already halfway through prepping a fourth plate and gathering additional silverware. How could they just...know? How could someone be so accepting, so welcoming to people they barely know? 

“I hope you like Nyama Choma, Mr. Okumura.” The woman stated with a smile. The following morning, Haruka had showed up at the Tezuka family’s door with more of Eiji’s personal items., apologizing and begging Eiji to stay in contact with her. He agreed. By Wednesday, Eiji had received the phone call he had been praying for; they were approved for the apartment. The could move in this week.  
***************************

The orange and red light from the setting sun reflected oddly through the window and off of the various cardboard boxes stacked around the apartment. Early twilight was already starting to creep onto him and Ash wondered where the day had gone. 

The hired movers and Kenichi were long gone, only remnants were some tracked dirt on the wood floors and the several pre-prepped meals wrapped in plastic and good will from Mrs. Tezuka on the kitchen counter. Eiji’s friend Suki and her husband had even stopped by earlier with a large house plant and encouraging words. Eiji had remarked that he wanted to adopt a dog and Suki was already helping him find shelters online. 

Even now, friends come through for Ash and Eiji more than family ever had. Ash knew it would only be a few weeks before they would have a comfy little home, as far away from both of their pasts as they could feasibly get. 

He shifted his weight, sitting on the middle of their soon to be living room floor; furniture would not be delivered until tomorrow, leaving the two men with futons for the evening. Mrs. Tezuka insisted on the two of them sleep at her house for that final night, but Ash insisted it would be best for them to stay here. 

They needed to be together again without prying eyes. Without threats or pressure or guns or blood or anyone to fight. 

But if there was not anyone to fight or any reason to run, what did they plan to do? What did Ash plan to do with the rest of his life? Could he be what Eiji deserved? 

Ash heard Eiji enter the front door, a paper bag of takeout under his arm; they hadn’t unpacked dishware yet, either. He slipped off his shoes and sweatshirt before settling himself cross legged on the floor with Ash, tank top ridden up to revel the creamy color of his waist. Disheveled hair and sweat on his brow, Eiji was already talking about the neighbors he had met on the way home from the restaurant, how everyone had been so friendly. Ash tried to listen but was too focused on how his friend’s eyes glistened as he spoke, how pink his lips were, even though they seemed slightly chapped. The curve of his biceps as he moved to lift the food from the greasy paper bag. He had almost forgotten how strong Eiji was; how could he forget those times Eiji had to carry him out of bed and into the shower? How many times had Eiji had helped lift Ash’s limping, bleeding body and guide him to safety? 

The setting sun added a glimmer to Eiji’s shoulders and collarbone and Ash began to wonder when he started to see Eiji like this? Was it only just now? No, he had felt this before. He had to. Why was his brain just confronting him about it now?

Was it from that night? With the kisses and the touches and the heated breath? 

Maybe.  
He noticed Eiji’s talking had slowed to a stop, head cocked slightly. He was asking Ash what was wrong. Ash tried to speak but no words were coming out. 

He felt himself lean forward, his palms sticking to the hardwood as he pressed forward. Maybe everything he did didn’t have to be so calculated, so well thought out and analyzed. 

He pressed his lips against Eiji’s, gently at first. Eiji returned the kiss hungrily, bringing a hand up to Ash’s cheek. The orange rays sparkling down through the dusty windows. 

Maybe it could be okay for once to just live in the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops I already have a sequel for this, but I'm not sure if I should just transition to it here or make a separate fic for it? thoughts?


	10. Bibliophile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash gets a job...again.

“He does not exist for your salvation! You knew this would happen someday, so why did you keep him so close?”

Blanca’s words rang true even in the worst times. Memories were becoming harder and harder to avoid recently without constant distractions. When you’re in the midst of a trauma, more often than not you aren’t processing it. If you’re living a life of strict survival, to kill or be killed, the easiest thing to do is to push it down. Push down all of the memories, the rage, the fear, the insecurities and focus on the now. Focus on living another day, even if the idea of seeing another sunrise feels like dying anyway. It’s the only way; lose your humanity or lose your sanity. 

Now that Ash was away from New York and away from Eiji’s parents as a distraction, Ash couldn’t stop the images and feelings bubbling up and stealing his oxygen. While he appreciated the true calm, it felt more surreal than anything. Ash never anticipated what it would be like to experience true calm; to experience waking up every day to a warm home and quiet, blue skies. He never planned to see his 20th birthday, to open his eyes on that morning to the smell of a home cooked breakfast and hot coffee, to the smile of someone he cared about so deeply. 

“Happy birthday Ash.” The coffee mug slipped gently into Ash’s hands and Eiji’s lips pressed against Ash’s cheek. Sunlight poured into the large window at the south end of the kitchen. About a month into living alone together and Ash is having the best and worst period of his life.  
There was nothing stopping Ash and Eiji from continuing to grow closer and show more intimacy with each other than ever before. There were no threats that forced Ash to keep his distance, and no one watching for Eiji to have to answer to. There was no gunfire to stop the touches, no blood to stop the kisses. The hadn’t had a moment to talk about what they wanted to label this as, but they both knew they felt the same.  
Ash didn't know how to talk about his feelings; it was easier to prove to Eiji how he felt through actions; through protecting him, teaching him how to shoot, trying to send him home… But normal people talked about this kind of thing, right? 

“Turning 20 in Japan is a lot like turning 21 or 18 in America…” Eiji started, moving plates of food onto the kitchen table before continuing “What do they call it...a right of passage? What would you like to do to celebrate, Ash?” 

Ash looked down into his coffee cup. He had never celebrated a birthday, not really. Not since he was little and Griffin would surprise him at home with a cupcake and a candle. That was more than he could ever think to ask for. 

The visions of the past were increasing, as was his anxiety as memories began to soak up to the surface. The social worker in New York had mentioned that this might happen, that it may be a step towards healing, but it was keeping Ash’s mind swirling, drowning in images and emotions that he never had time to deal with before. 

“I’m not sure.” He replied, thinking deeply. “I think it’s about time for me to...find something to do...with my time, you know?” 20 years old and nothing to show for it? Shameful. Embarrassing. 

Eiji sat down at the table across from him, white mug in hand. 

“Well, I know finding work hasn’t been the easiest. Have you considered going to school? You’re smart enough to pass the entrance exams for University.” Ash started to bow his head. 

“They’ll never let me in if they run my record.” Eiji hummed for a moment, bringing the cup to his lips. He had forgotten that Ash had only gotten on Japanese soil with fake documentation. Any sort of legitimate research on Ash’s papers would lead to international investigators at their door. 

“Have you heard anything from the modeling company?” Eiji tried again. Ash shook his head, not hearing from them since they paid him. He wasn’t sure if there was no work available for him, or if they finally saw how damaged he was. 

Eiji thought for a moment, pausing and running a fingertip over the lip of his mug before speaking again. 

“Actually, I was hoping to swing by my Uncle’s bookstore downtown. Maybe something new to read could clear your head?” Ash perked up at the idea of a bookstore, but tried not to let the immediate excitement catch Eiji’s eye; he noticed anyway. 

“Yeah, alright.” 

The bookstore was a reasonably sized building covered in Ivy. The door was propped open and windchimes sang by one of the front windows. Eiji gave Ash’s hand a quick, excited squeeze before leading the way into the building. 

Shelves stacked high with a mirage of yellowing and stark white pages of books. A metal ladder sat at the edge of a shelf with an elderly man standing at the top. 

“Oji San! Good afternoon!” The older man peered down through his narrow glasses, smiling when he saw his nephew below his feet. 

“Oi Eiji, Good to see you! Hold on a moment.” Ash could almost hear the man’s bones creek as he slowly maneuvered down the ladder. The man had a small scruff of grey shadow about his chin and face. 

The two Okumura's chatted and caught up, allowing Ash to slip away and browse among the books. The earthy smell of the classic book section brought a calm nostalgia that he had forgotten; it was almost like he was back at the New York Public Library. He paced slowly around the dusty isles, letting his softening fingers trace the spins as he walked. Hemingway, Salinger, Melville, he could be here all day. 

There were footsteps and light conversation between two women who wandered their way into the store, plain dressed and carrying school bags; Ash rationalized they must be from the University not too far away. 

“Excuse me, we’re confused, do you happen to have Moby Dick?” One of the women asked Eiji’s uncle. Ash realized that they were speaking to the gentleman in English; Oji Okumura fumbled for a moment, struggling with English instructions. Ash tugged his index finger downward, allowing the copy of Moby Dick he had been glancing at to fall into his palm. He quietly appeared out of the corner, a slight grin on his face as he introduced himself. 

“Is this what you’re looking for?” Ash asked, holding the book outward to the two blushing women; his charm knew no bounds and he was aware of it. The woman took the book from his grasp and thanked him, unable to pull her eyes away from his face.  
“It’s hard being an international student, learning the language is so hard.” The second woman commented, keeping her eyes downcast from Ash’s.  
“I’m learning myself; you both seem smart enough, I’m sure you’ll get it in no time.”  
The women fumbled, blushed, paid, giggled and left quickly, gossip floating back to the three men about the “handsome young foreigner”. Ash couldn’t help but roll his eyes. No matter where he went or what he did, he captivated people. 

He had heard of Host Clubs in Tokyo, maybe he could just go do that for work...But would Eiji be okay with such a thing? He didn’t know what else to do. 

“You...You know English and Japanese?” The old man asked, glancing over Ash’s hesitant body. 

“I’m getting there. Still need some fine tuning.” He replied, using the language to the best of his ability. Between his classes at the city library and his coaching with Kenichi and Eiji, he was proficient enough. 

“Are you looking for work?” Oji Okumura asked, catching Ash off guard. “It is hard to work with the college students; having someone younger and more bilingual might help bring in more business.” The man shifted his weight and Ash could hear his knee joint crack at the change. How much older was this guy than Eiji’s father anyway? 

“I...Yes, I am…” Ash replied, stuttering. Eiji was beaming. Oji Okumura turned and handed Ash a business card. 

“Wonderful. Come back on Monday and I’ll train you. Here’s my information. We start early so keep that in mind.” 

Ash clutched the business card in his fingers, overwhelmed. A real, respectable, clean job. He could almost cry. 

He bowed at the old man, thanking him over and over again before Eiji pulled him from the store, leading him down the front store steps and onto the sidewalk. 

Eiji was smiling ear to ear, praising Ash for his accomplishment when Ash slowly realized that this was Eiji’s plan all along. 

“That was all you, wasn’t it?” Ash asked, Eiji shrugged coyly. “All I did was bring two people together who could work well together. I didn’t say anything.” As spun Eiji around, pressing their lips together. 

Blanca had told him that Eiji did not exist for his salvation and he knew that. 

But damn, was he ever good at saving him.


	11. Ashes & Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like angst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW Trigger Warning ahead of time: Consensual Sex with PTSD victim written in the perspective of the victim.

Ash’s first realization was he had taken on more than he had bargained for. 

This man’s financial books were a goddamn mess. 

When was the last time he balanced the finances? How did he not know whether or not he was even staying afloat? 

There's a box of receipts from before Ash was even born. 

Ash ran a hand through his hair, pushing it up out of his face. Tasked with tidying and dusting, he couldn’t help but stumble across the several thin paperbound books that contained the financial records of Oji Okumura. The man was lucky he had never been audited. 

The bad news was that he didn’t get the dusting and tidying done that day.  
The good news was, he got about 25 years of financial books balanced appropriately. 

It wasn’t even noon yet. 

When Oji Okumura finally wandered his way from the back storage room towards the sales desk, he was floored and almost in disbelief at Ash’s morning project. He peeled through each sales book, fingering each page with intense speculation. 

After about an hour sitting behind the sales counter with the books, Oiji Okumura slowed to a stop, organizing the books as Ash had originally left them before speaking. 

“You are a….smart boy…. Mr. Ash.” He remarked slowly. Ash shrugged. “Thank you sir.” 

“Too smart...to be here. Why are you not in school like Eiji?” He asked. Ash flinched, releasing his grip on the stack of magazines in his hands. 

“I want to be here.” He stated. “Maybe School will happen someday.” The older man grunted in response, hobbling over to another bookshelf to unpack a box of new releases. Ash followed behind, offering assistance with the heavy box. Oiji Okumura opened the box and Ash almost fell over at the sight of the books. 

Short Stories by J. D. Salinger with that ugly illustration of a fish coming out of a banana peel. Ash couldn't help but bark out a cold, dry laugh. He was never going to be able to escape this damn story, was he? 

Oiji Okumura peered up at Ash, confused at his harsh reaction. 

“Do you not like J. D. Salinger?” The elder man questioned gruffly, pulling a copy of the book from the cardboard box and traced the cover with his old, calloused fingers. Ash shrugged with a chuckle.  
“You could say I’ve wasted enough of my youth on Salinger.” He replied with a coy grimace on his face. 

The old man stared at Ash for a moment, eyebrows furrowed above his thick glasses before speaking. 

“Do not waste your youth, Mr. Ash.Eiji seems to have much faith in you. Now dust the shelves and you can go.” 

***********************************

“Aslan, do you know what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is?” Ash continued to flick the cheap blue pen against his palm. The plastic pinked against his skin, dragging over the name of the counselor's office engraved on the side. It was times like this that he missed his gun , or even his pocket knife; anything to keep his hands occupied. He didn’t answer immediately, suddenly annoyed more by the beige carpet than the question. 

“My brother...My brother had that.” The therapist peered down through her black framed glasses, red curls falling by her cheeks. She scribbled a quick note onto her yellow legal pad. 

“Your brother was in Iraq, correct?” Ash nodded. 

“I see. That seems to make sense. It’s a trauma response, Aslan. Sometimes a person’s brain can’t quite process what has happened to them and the brain doesn’t cope in a healthy way. Some people have flashbacks, nightmares, or even just, perpetual hyperarousal.” 

Ash was an intelligent man. He had enough of an education from Dino to qualify for a Master’'s degree if he had just applied himself. He knew what this was. He had spent his own nights researching treatment options for Griffin when he first brought him home. Between that and the seizures, Ash had his hands full at 16 with his 30 year old brother. If it weren’t for Skip and the visiting nurse he had hired during that time, Ash wouldn’t have been able to keep his brother as comfortable as he could in his final months. 

Their faces flashed in Ash’s mind; it wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have been them. 

“It appears to me that you deal with several of these symptoms, am I right?” Ash shrugged, unsure how how to answer. He hadn’t been to war; why should he be feeling this way? 

“It can happen to anyone, Aslan. Especially someone who has a traumatic history of sexual abuse. It happens more to trafficking victims than soldiers, if you can believe that.” 

He didn’t like those phrases. Sexual Abuse. Trafficking victim. Somehow they were too clean, academic to describe what had happened to him, but at the same time he didn't like being associated with such an idea; such a firm label. He didn’t want that attached to his skin any more than it had to be. 

He didn’t want to be a victim. 

“Now while I do think medication can help, I would also like to advise some other treatment options. There are support groups just outside of Izumo-” She leaned towards the drawer of her dark wooden desk, pulling out what appeared to be pamphlets mixed with flyers for other offerings in her practice. 

Ash held up a hand. 

“I don’t need anyone else getting involved with this.” He stated; he had his share of peering eyes to last him a lifetime. 

“Well it's up to you, Aslan, of course. But unpacking and processing is the only way to really start to move on from your past. It might help to speak with others who have similar experiences to yours.” Ash didn’t answer. There was no way there were other people who had experienced what he had and lived to blab at a support group in some community center. 

The therapist folded the pamphlets under her hands before folding her thin fingers together onto her lap. “Let’s change the subject. Tell me about Eiji.” 

Ash felt his shoulders clench, lower back muscles thickening into a shield. 

“Eiji.” He whispered to himself. Please don’t bring him up. Not yet. 

“He brought you to Japan, correct?” She began to pry. Ash moved to wring his hands together, losing the pen in his lap. 

Essentially. “Sort of.” He answered. 

“Do you know why?” The fax machine behind them began to hum. 

We both thought he could save me. “He wanted to show me his country. He thought a clean slate would be good for me.”

“Did you believe that you would have a clean slate when he brought it up?” 

 

Not even slightly. “He had made some good points at the time and it made him happy for me to say yes.” Ash heard the printer shift, preparing to receive the fax. 

“Did you have any kind of plan or goals for when you got here?” Long dial tone. 

I didn’t plan to live long enough to get here; It was a hopeful fantasy for Eiji. “Not really.” 

She peered through her glasses, moving her folded hands closer to her abdomen. 

“Did you believe that you deserved a second chance, Aslan?” Paper shifted in the printer. 

No. “No.” 

“How do you feel now that you have it?” 

I still don’t deserve it. “I don’t know.” 

“What has Eiji said about it?” 

He loves me but can’t tell me without getting shitfaced and dry humping me on his mother’s couch because I love him so much but I still don’t know if I can just- “He’s supportive of whatever I chose to do.” 

“It sounds like you’ve been given the chance of a lifetime, Aslan. How do you feel about that?” 

Eiji deserves better. “I…” I’d rather Skipper get a second chance. Or Griffin. Or Shorter...

 

Ash couldn’t answer. 

“You have the freedom to make your own life decisions now, Aslan. You could go to school, or find a career, fall in love, travel, get married, or go back to how you lived in New York. Ash Lynx or Aslan Calenreese or a combination of the two; It’s all your choice now, and that may seem overwhelmed and even terrifying. You weren’t prepared for this.” 

“Do you plan to waste your second chance at life without trying to actually live it?” 

***************************  
Her words echoed in his head during the trainride home and well after Eiji had come home and started making dinner. Eiji chatted brightly, moving pots and pans from the sink to wash for use. Ash stood near the sink next to Eiji, deeply pondering as he watched Eiji’s smooth hands finger a wet plate in the sink. 

 

What did he want? 

He wanted to be with Eiji. 

Before he could dwell, he started to move. He placed his hands on Eiji’s shoulders, slowly moving his arms down and taking the wet plate from his grasp. He gently placed the plate on the counter before slowly rotating Eiji around. Eiji’s eyes were still on Ash’s hands before lifting them to meet his eyes. His mouth opened to question the action to have his words smothered by Ash’s lips. 

Ash’s tongue ran across Eiji’s bottom lip before flicking past his teeth. He felt Eiji’s knees begin to buckle, quickly grabbing at his waist to keep him upright. Eiji’s fingers gripped the collar of Ash’s shirt to hold himself steady, opening his mouth wider for Ash’s tongue. 

It was like that night on The Okumura family couch; Eiji was eager, hungry, weak at Ash’s advances. His face was already flushing; He wanted this, he clearly wanted more. Ash could do this. He owed this to Eiji, at the very least after everything they had been through. He could do this. Eiji loved him. He knew Eiji loved him. This was different. This is okay. 

He could do this.

He ran his hands down to Eiji’s hips, palms passing the lip and loops of his jeans. He felt Eiji gently push him back, against the kitchen counter, moving his hands down to under Ash’s arms and hoisting him up onto the counter. The movement surprised Ash, who moved his arms around Eiji’s neck, now trying to stabilize himself. Eiji moved himself between Ash’s legs. 

It was awkward, sloppy, amature with hungry, biting kisses. Ash was a master of seduction before he understood what the word seduction meant; why was he feeling so exposed? 

Eiji’s hands slid down, resting and then gripping Ash’s thighs, lips tracing Ash’s ear lobe and collarbone. Ash’s stomach lurched and unwanted faces flashed behind his eyelids. 

He moved his hands to Eiji’s shoulders, gently pushing him back and resting their foreheads together. 

“Hold on..” Ash heaved, sucking air through his nose as fast as he could. “Hold on.” His heart pounded in his ears, and flames sparked below his hips. 

So many faces, some he couldn't remember the names of, others he did not think he could ever forget. Dino. Frog. Marvin. Fucking Foxx…

TheyarenotEijiTheyarenotEijiTheyarenotEijiTheyarenotEijiTheyarenotEijiTheyarenotEiji

“Ash...Ash...please open your eyes.” He hadn’t realized his lids were squeezed tight, almost painfully until Eiji’s request forced him to relax them back open. Eiji looked up at him, wide eyes dripping with concern and regret. Ash slowly brought a hand to his face, feeling the sweat beginning to dew mix with the tears that had stained his face. When did he start crying? 

Why couldn’t he do this? He’s done this hundreds, thousands of times even. 

Ash felt Eiji’s hands slide away from his thighs, resting on the countertop edge. He felt cold in the absence of Eiji’s warm hands and hated it. 

“It’s okay. If you want to stop, just say the word. We don’t have to do anything. It’s your choice.” 

He didn’t want to stop. There were parts of him that were begging him not to stop; but his body continued to respond in such conflicting ways his head was spinning. How could he be aroused and nauseous? Desperately wanting the intimacy while retching at being touched? How could he show Eiji he loved him, when his thoughts were haunted by the people he hated? 

“I’m so sorry, Eiji. I thought..” Eiji brought a finger to Ash’s lips. 

“What kind of rice do you want with dinner? I know you prefer Jasmine, but I wanted to check.” The topic change gave Ash whiplash, stunning the blonde man as Eiji pulled away to check through the cabinets. He could still see the arousal pressing from within Eiji’s jeans, mirroring his own. Eiji was trying to let Ash save face and avoid further confrontation. 

Eiji’s absence from his arms hurt. He couldn’t let it stop here. 

He didn’t want this. He wanted this. 

He wasn’t a victim. 

“Eiji...wait…” Eiji’s movements slowed, his grip on the bag of rice softening. He turned towards Ash, whose face was scrunched in agonizing confusion. 

Beneath the nausea, cold dead cinders of desire sparked to a small flicker. With Eiji’s help, they could ignite to a flame. 

“I...If you would let me...I need this.” Eiji stared uneasily at Ash, mouth twisted in uncertainty. 

“You don’t have to Ash. Don’t worry about me.” 

Ash slid off of the kitchen counter, grabbing Eiji’s hands and bringing them up to his face, eyes begging. 

“Please.” 

He gently pushed Eiji against the mattress, slowly trying to decipher which techniques from his past he should use and which ones he should forget. Turning tricks was one thing, but this….This was different. 

Eiji didn’t move out of turn, waiting on cues and permission from Ash as Ash straddled him. When Ash’s fingers started to tremble when they fumbled with Eiji’s shirt buttons, Eiji slowly moved his own fingers to help before grasping Ash’s hands in his own. Ash took a deep breath at Eiji’s movements, reminded not to move too fast. 

Ash released himself from Eiji’s hands, leading Eiji’s hands to the hem of Ash’s shirt. With some guidance, Eiji helped Ash remove it. Both green and brown eyes darted quickly for their partner’s abdominal scarring; the smooth, surgical discolored skin on Eiji was almost too much for Ash in that moment. 

Eiji’s hands slowly moved up Ash’s hips, to his waist and then towards the scar, pausing for a moment to run his thumb over the puckered skin. 

“You have the freedom to make your own life decisions now, Aslan.” 

Did he have to be Ash in that moment? Did he have to be Ash Lynx, the retired whore and violent animal? 

Could he be Aslan? Where was Aslan, anyway? 

Ash reached his fingers down, unclicking Eiji’s belt and unlooping the button. Ash pulled at the zipper and saw the thin blue stripes on Eiji’s boxers, erection starting to press against the jean fabric. 

Eiji’s face and chest were already flushed. His eyes were eager, hungry, but his body continued to remain still. Ash was floored by Eiji’s self control; no man had ever gone this long without ravinging him. 

Eiji wanted him to be comfortable, to feel safe, to actually want to. 

Eiji wanted Ash. 

Ash wanted Eiji.

So why couldn’t Ash will his body to continue moving? 

 

The dry lump in his throat continued to grow and Ash could feel his brain trying to pull him a million miles away again. Ash shook his head. He refused to disassociate. Refused to leave Eiji alone again with his crippling mess of a body. He gripped the waistband of Eiji’s jeans, trying to ground himself with the rough fabric and the heat of Eiji’s soft skin. 

This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. This is okay. I want this. 

“Would it be easier...if I….did something for you?” Eiji’s words floated to Ash’s ears, drawing his eyes back up to the source. Eiji’s face was calm, though flushed and pondering. 

“What do you mean?” Eiji bit his lip, eyebrows raised and glancing down towards where their hips met. 

“What if I...made you feel good first?” Ash’s brain swirled, confused for a moment, trying to piece together the words that weren’t being said through the fog. 

Now it was Ash’s turn to blush, bringing a fist up to his mouth. 

“I don’t know...I’ve never...I mean, no one has ever…” He took a breath, stabling himself before continuing. “No one has ever done that for me before.” Eiji propped himself up onto his elbows. 

“Is that something you might want?” Eiji probed. Ash thought for a moment before nodding. Eiji mirrored the nod. 

“Well, let's switch then. Come lay down.” He reached to Ash’s hips, guiding him off of Eiji and onto the mattress next to him. 

Ash felt his blood slow as his hot back hit the chilled sheets. His lungs begged to panic and Ash had to clench his fists and focus on his breathing. Eiji leaned over Ash, knee beside his legs and hand pressed into the sheets by Ash’s ear. He wasn’t touching Ash, but the heat between their bodies was noticeable. 

Eiji seemed to study Ash’s face intensely, watching his eyes for something that Ash couldn’t place. 

Face flushed and lips pressed tightly, disheveled raven hair draped on over his almond skin and obscuring his temples; he was irresistible. Ash shakily reached ups arms up and placed his arms around Eiji’s neck, pulling him down and encasing his lips. 

Warm. Sweet. Safe. 

Vulnerable.

Eiji deepened the kiss hesitantly, allowing Ash to dictate the pace, the intensity. Ash ran his tongue over Eiji’s bottom teeth before sneaking it past the enamel. Ash could feel Eiji’s arm slack slightly at the sensation before feeling Eiji try to copy the action. 

Eiji moved his mouth towards Ash’s ear, his hot breath sending shivers down Ash’s spine. He was relieved that his body was responding and he wasn’t losing his grip on himself. His lips pressed against the pulse point behind Ash’s earlobe and moved down to his chin, neck, collarbone. Blood rushed towards Ash’s face. He wanted to shut his eyes but needed to remain present. 

He needed to be with Eiji; he refused to let his past taint this. 

“Tell me to stop if you need me to. Please.”Ash nodded slightly, head barely moving. Eiji nodded back before placing his lips against Ash’s collarbone once again. 

He kissed every scar, every mark, as much skin as he could as he traveled down Ash’s chest and stomach. Ash flinched at the contact at first,warmth rushing to the tender kisses Eiji had left behind. 

Eiji moved to Ash’s hips, settling between his thighs and resting his fingers on the buttons of the ripped jeans. He lifted his eyes to meet Ash’s and waited, unmoving. 

Right...this is what he meant.

“Ash...Is this okay? Are you okay?” Eiji’s voice was soft but surprising nonetheless. When Ash didn’t answer, Eiji’s fingers started to slowly pull away from Ash’s pants. 

“It’s-It’s okay. Eiji. It’s okay.” He finally choked out. Eiji didn’t move, so Ash said it again. 

“It’s okay, Eiji. I’m okay.” Not completely true; his stomach was in knots and on fire, but he didn’t feel like throwing up anymore. 

He felt Eiji’s soft fingers brush against his skin as he unbuttoned Ash’s pants. He heard the zipper release, the chill of the air on his now expose skin and lifted his eyes to stare at the ceiling, willing himself to stay present, to let himself feel this. 

Eiji’s tender fingers and lips traced Ash’s bony hips, pausing to suckle in the crevice between his thigh and hip bone. Ash’s hips buckled at the sensation. 

His lips encased the head of Ash’s erection and he felt his head thrust back in response, a murmur on his lips. 

Eiji’s warm, wet tongue ran under the neck of the shaft, sending a shutter up Ash’s body and leading to a heavy sound escaping from his throat. 

What was that? Was that a moan? A real one?

Ash moved his hand to clamp over his mouth, surprised at his body’s reaction. That was the most authentic noise he had ever-

Eiji’s mouth moved again and Ash’s brain flat lined, allowing the floodgates of shallow, breathless gasps to escape Ash’s windpipe. His free hand clenched the navy sheets, gripping to keep himself from floating away. 

Tension continued to build, winding within him while Eiji tended to the fire in his loins.  
“Is this okay, Ash?” He heard Eiji’s whisper, still concerned in tone, but was still shuttering at Eiji’s touch, the warmth and friction making his hips spasm and his lungs gulp for breath. 

“It’s okay Eiji” He breathed again, moving a hand down to meet with Eiji’s free hand, gripping it tightly. 

The tension was becoming too much, Ash’s hips bucking in response, groin on fire. He couldn’t keep his shallow breathing even unless he was encouraging Eiji, breathlessly chanting over and over again.

“It’s okay, Eiji….It’s o-okay, Eiji. It's….oh...oh my god...Eiji!”

His muscles tensed to stone, back and hips rising above the bed as the release hit, pushing the heat out of Ash like a bullet from a gun. Ash’s head snapped back against the mattress with a loud, uncontrolled moan followed by hushed whispers of Eiji’s name over and over again. His body was shuttering, trembling.

Adrenaline, oxytocin and dopamine swirled like a fog over Ash’s brain, slowing his lungs and releasing his muscles. He could see Eiji moving in his peripheral vision, fumbling with something before approaching Ash on the bed. 

Ash registered Eiji’s frantically worried eyes before he felt the tears streaming down his own face. He lifted his fingers slowly to his eyes, confirming the moisture. 

Crying? Why? Why now?

Was it because it was his first time willingly? Or his first genuine orgasm? Or was it Eiji's face worried and full of love under the veil of arousal. 

Should Ash plan to return the favor? He wasn't sure he could. 

Not yet.

Eiji let out a small smile. 

“You weren’t kidding.” He remarked. Ash raised an eye in confusion before Eiji stifled a laugh to continue. 

“You really are blonde down under, huh?” It took Ash just a moment to remember the conversation they had more than two years ago, and another moment to break out into a deep, barking laugh. Eiji’s laughter mixed gently with Ash’s floating up and out into the night sky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for sex scenes that aren't actually sexy?   
> Dear god help me.   
> This chapter was soo hard to write. I desperately struggle with writing sexually intimate scenes, but its especially hard to for me to write them for Ash.  
> I might edit this more later...probably.


End file.
